this is abit personal but ig im looking for help

my biggest dream is to be in a stray kids - like group, but I'm female, its been hard I've been wishing a lot that i was born a male, ive cried so many times, bro it felt like everything just came crashing down with realization, my mums really sick so she's probably gonna die soon, im never gonna make it big with singing and dancing I'm never gonna find a group of people who want to sing and dance, make it big together, tour together, I've been swallowed by my own thoughts, ive been brought to tears just simpily looking and musicians faces, i feel almost guilty for having these thoughts. i just want to sing and dance with friends but everyone around me is so MEAN. mean and toxic, they drag each other down, i never want to turn into someone like them. NEVER.