I’m Losing Myself

I’m not going to lie. I’m not doing well. I’m actually at the lowest I’ve been in quite some time. 

It started around this time a year ago, when a former “friend” who I trusted stopped speaking to me. To this day, I don’t truly know why, though I’ve heard rumors. We were friends one day, strangers the next, just like that. No warning, no explanation, just…silence, which persists to this day. Every attempt I made to reconcile, or at least to have an adult conversation and work things out, went ignored. I finally gave up.

And then, just a few months later, another “friend” effectively followed suit by taking the side of the first “friend,” telling me they knew what the issue was but refusing to tell me, but also telling me that the anger was valid and I deserved it. That second “friend” eventually faded into the background as well.

This has happened to me over and over throughout the course of my life, and every time, I am given barely any reason or explanation. I am simply just shown the door and expected to see myself out.

Usually I just put my head down and slip out the back door as quietly as possible, lick my wounds in the back alley for awhile, and then just move on. But somehow, for some odd reason, this time it just feels different. This time, the betrayal feels deeper and more personal. This time, I can’t move on so easily, even though I have no choice.

These were members of my inner circle; two of my closest friends, and two of the closest people in my life at the time. My whole life I’ve found it difficult to make and maintain meaningful friendships. And once again, just as it feels like I’ve finally found my “tribe”…I am once again left out in the cold, looking in, wondering what I said or did to deserve this.

This past year I’ve been thrown into an unending spin cycle of self-despair and self-loathing. My whole life has changed. I’ve withdrawn from things I used to love being a part of because both of those former “friends” are still there and I can’t stand being in a room where they’re actively pretending I don’t exist and I’m expected to do the same.

I can’t stop hearing myself say “I deserve this, somehow.” I can’t stop feeling like I’m the common denominator in every one of my failed friendships and relationships, so clearly the problem is me, right? Clearly, I’m simply just unloveable, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. There must be nothing I can do, because over and over, everyone who abandons me does so without a word. Perhaps they don’t quite know what’s wrong with me, but I just feel “off” to them, and it’s literally that simple.

Here’s an example of what I mean. I went on a first date with a girl I matched with on Facebook Dating about 2 years ago (2022). We’d been texting for a few months. When we finally met up, sat down and started talking face to face, literally about 10 minutes into the conversation, she gets out her phone and appeared to send a text. Just a few minutes later, her phone rang. She answered it. “Hey Mom. Oh. OK. I understand. I’ll be right there.” Hangs up and tells me she needs to leave, her mom is having “a bit of an emergency and needs me.” 

I knew exactly what that meant, and what was coming. This wasn’t my first rodeo, and it wasn’t the first time a woman had used that exact trick to get out of an encounter with me. 

We parted ways, I told her it was nice meeting her, knowing deep down I was never going to see her again. Didn’t hear from her the rest of the day. That night, I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and sure enough, had a text from her telling me she “didn’t think there was anything there” and she “felt uncomfortable” when she was meeting me. Then she said something that still bothers me to this day: “I don’t even really know why I feel this way. There’s just something about your energy that just feels…off. I wish I could explain it better because I know you probably want something more specific, but that’s the best I can give you. I’m sorry.” I was blocked and couldn’t respond.

I suppose I’m grateful that she at least sent some sort of explanation instead of just straight-up ghosting me. That at least spared me months of wondering what went wrong, which was nice for a change. But what still bothers me to this day is that her “energy” explanation may actually be the most detailed explanation I’ve ever received as to why the line is being cut. Nobody ever gives me any specifics. Rarely am I given any explanation at all; more often than not, I’m simply just ghosted, and when I reach out to ask what’s up, if I get any response at all it’s incredibly vague, such as “the timing’s not right” or “I feel like it wouldn’t be healthy” (with no further details as to why) or “I value your friendship” (then never speaks to me again) or “I’m going in a different direction” or

This has happened within multiple social contexts throughout the course of my life. I often find myself wondering how many of those people simply just walked away from me because they had an unexplainable feeling that “my energy felt off” and didn’t want to stick around to find out what that meant. 

I’m about to “celebrate” another year of being alive on this planet, and yet I feel so alone, like hardly anyone cares that I’m here at all. I’m grateful that I still have both of my parents alive, but deep down I know that’s not going to last forever, and once they’re both gone I won’t have anybody at all.

I’m a Christian, and I keep praying that God will help me through this. Yet for the last year I have felt more lonely than I’ve felt in a long, long time, because it even feels like He is ignoring me at this point.

What is so horrible about me that I am so undeserving of love or positive human connection? I feel so unloved and so unloveable that many days I wonder if it’s even worth getting out of bed. I feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore.

Why does everyone always end up leaving me behind?

Am I that bad?