I did this just the other night, where I had my eyes close whilst writing a blog entry. Back then, it was simply because I had forgotten to blink for a period of around 15 minutes, but this time, it is simply because I wish to. Since I do not see what I am writing, the result tends to be less filtered and more like a random stream of ideas, which is not often something I do and share. Of course once I am done, I fix any typing errors, but other than that, it is entirely done with my eyes closed.
I took a walk tonight. A very long walk. I so wish to explore and explore endlessly, nit tjere os simply nothing to explore here. It is such a miserable fate that I know I have whined about here before, but it is still an issue, and always will be, so I will always be upset over it.
The walk acted as my alternative to harming myself, but it may not have done the trick. I just wish to be out of my own head for a short while, and while drugs may be a wonderful way to do such a thing, I do not have access to any at the moment. Because of this, my mindless wandering took its place, but it is, like i said, just a futile attempt to avoid drawing the mediocre blade across my flesh once more. Interestingly, I do despise the feeling of blood running down my le.g It just feels so irritating, despite looking oh, so nice.
Maybe I should not share such information, but my eyes are close and I cannot be bothered to try and delete it all without sight. Oh, another thing. I am rather entranced by the idea of dismemberment, not only as it related to limbs, but as it may relate to sensory organs, specifically the eyes. If I were to be required to lose any major sensory organ, it would be an eye. Not only do I think the visual of having such a beautiful thing torn off to be wonderfully awful,. but it would give me an excuse to wear a large bandage over my head, which would look quite nice on a sad little thing such as myself. Oh how I wish for such a thing,
Alas, my thoughts run dry with disdain for the emptyness within, and I am left to end this post. Farewell my friends, and do remember that I am available for questioning, conversing, and loving at any given moment I may feel so inclined to be.
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T.M. KNIGHT
This is kind of like automatic writing if you've heard about it, a technique used by surrealist writers (including myself). I very much relate to all of these thoughts. Internal turmoil gets to be so much that the only relief is rather vivid imaginings of these dismemberments you speak of. And oh my god, especially the eyes, that is my frequent picture. This may sound strange, but thoughts like that alleviate the suffering arising from a particularly terrible thought, and imagining myself dying and all thoughts related to that is like a lullaby. Death is peace in this transient world.
Though I really do want to tell you to stay your hand from harming yourself. Imagination is part of reality, and I found solace in thoughts of it alone.
Most of my imaginations are simply a longing for such a thing to happen, so there is little solace found in the mere thoughts. I do try to discuss or express myself with these thoughts before acting on them, but sometimes it is just too much and it is just too difficult to find an alternative.
by Starvix; ; Report
I hope one day you can find a different way my friend...
by T.M. KNIGHT; ; Report
As do I.
by Starvix; ; Report
Hazel
You must have perfect vision if you dream of eliminating half of your eyesight. My worse nightmare is loosing my senses.
A walk is a good coping strategy for these kind of thoughts. You can think and use that energy to propel yourself forward. I’ve gone on walks for the same reason. Most of the time it works and I’m too exhausted to even think of doing something foolish.
Unfortunately I only walk here and there, otherwise I become too bored of it. And for my vision, I do need glasses to see longer distances, but it is less about the practical ability to perceive and more about the idea of losing something so fundamental.
by Starvix; ; Report