Aberdeen

I'm breaking my own heart. 

I got addicted to feeling worthy. 

I got addicted to feeling attractive, to feeling wanted. 

I got addicted to all the magical things that you said and did to make me feel like I was the one. 

I was so blinded by seeing what I wanted, what I needed, that I blatantly ignored the facts in front of me. 

He was overcompensating for the fact that he loves her more, and cheap flattery, ironically probably my love language, kept me around. 

Stupid... Stupidddd.... Stupidddddddddddd

Bury me alive. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. 

I knew when he prioritized her over me for my birthday. I should know now that he has chosen to not break up with her even though today he was trying to tell me to move in with him. Even though he was telling me he wants me to take his last name, and have his baby. 

This just opens up old wounds. Old insecurities. The same tiresome adage staring me down. Finding the space to sit with me in my pathetic misery. I'm not good enough. I never have been good enough. I never will be good enough... I am barely "side chick" quality material, apparently. 

I can feel the butterflies in my chest as the tears well in my eyes. I wanted what I knew I could never have. Still, it is cruel that he put it out there. More cruel he convinced me into it. I'm a fool, and evil. The lesser of two evils though, for arguments sake. He's worse than I am. 

This morning I was over the moon and right now I want to be under the ground. I fucking hate the way he does this to me. I'm so fucking pathetic. I need to just let this go. I don't want to, but I really need to. 

I don't mean as much to him as he does to me. He doesn't need me the way I need him. He treats me like shit and I accept it because it's better than being alone. 

I hate him for doing this to me, but I hate myself more BECAUSE I put myself here. 

Pray for my sins to be absolved. Pray for my safety. Pray for my sanity. Pray for my peace.