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I have felt so so hopelessly wordless as of late. As I type this with my eyes closed from my forgetting to blink over the last 15 minutes or so, I wonder why I cannot just scream out for a crowd to gear and love. It would make me so wondrously happy to have such attention. Tears lacking sorrow run down my face right now. It's funny, really, how often I just feel trapped within this life, even if I find some new way to ruin my body for just a little bit of fun. Writing like this, eyes closed and music in my ears, feels more like an internal monologue than anything. I am glad my keyboard abilities are adequate enough to do such a thing without needing to spend time after decoding what I really meant to type on the screen.
Fuck. I truly wish to create, to write, to sing, to compose and develop. But my mind keeps me yearning for everything and EVERYTHING I will never have, and it is oh just so exhausting. Very often do I wonder how much longer I will be able to stand this for. I have yet to make an attempt on my life, but I truly and earnestly do not see it being out of the realm of possibility.
Time will tell.
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Hazel
If it helps, I am in similar circumstances. Or, was. It’s hard to tell when the fog truly breaks. Some solutions require forgiveness on the mind. Perhaps a break is needed, a gap between the frivolous amounts of creative energy being poured into the day to day? The candle of ambition could be relit from a source outside of the artists tools. For me, nature and film are two outlets that have a higher success rate in getting me to draw or write.
I truly wish I knew how to take a break. Until this morning, I had not sang in a month. I still have not composed, written, or drawn in a similar timespan. All of my mental energy is simply spent staying alive.
by Starvix; ; Report
Then make being alive your art. Make your existence creativity in itself.
by Hazel; ; Report
I do try, but when my time is taken by mandatory employment and my wanderlust is choked by violently hot weather, I am left with very few options to do so.
by Starvix; ; Report