Stockholm Syndrome (blink-182): Parallels with my Paranoid Thoughts

The part of this song that goes, “Where do we go after we’re gone?” really speaks to me, I got too curious with existentialism and what was something that I once took great pleasure in studying has just been replaced with constant crises and dread.

The, “Do you hear me whisper?” is something I know a lot of people experience as well, paranoid or not. That fear that other people are listening in on you, actually or through mindreading, and can hear what you’re thinking AHSJJAHJSAHSHS. You’ll just be sitting there and then out of nowhere, the potential of your best friend being a superhero becomes a little too believable. Then it moves into the whole saga of trying to repress your thoughts, which just make them come flying to the surface even faster and it’s that whole mess. 

“Do you recognize me?”, the fear that people you care about have forgotten you exist, that someone you don’t know knows you, or random people still remember a bad part of you that’s since changed. I hid away and barely spoke to anyone for a long time, which was mainly as a result of other factors, but I think it really made my anxiety and paranoid thoughts worse. Nobody wants to be the person who lives in fear that everything anyone does is targeted towards them, so I go out of my way to avoid becoming that. I think this is more of an anxious habit but to calm myself down from all of this, I pace a marathon a day without even realizing and get really stressed out when people try to stop me. It usually ends with me outside, snow, rain or shine, going in frantic circles around the area. Everyone says it makes me look absolutely ridiculous and they’re probably right, but doing that and listening to music completely knocks my brain out. It’s an escape that annoys both myself and those around me, which really hurts.

I always have to check to see if I accidentally posted or sent something without realizing, if anyone I know has posted anything new, and that everyone’s still alive, again and again with barely any time intervals with this nauseating feeling that just follows me leading up to it every single time. I’ll wake up early, get out of bed a dozen times or drop whatever else I’m doing at the moment for this. I have a debilitating fear of anyone finding out and being confused with no context as to why I'm always checking if they can all somehow see me because then I have to explain that I don't have bad intentions and I'm just anxious and scared, which is extremely humiliating.

All of this has always been there, but it’s worsened severely within the past year, to the point where I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t like this. “This is the first thing I remember, now it’s the last.” I've sat with myself and I've tried to find logic in this but it doesn't ever come. “I know I’m wrong, but I can’t help believing.” I just have to, I need to do all of this, it's for my own benefit and the benefit of those around me. There’s one lyric; "You're cold with disappointment, while I'm drowning in the next room." It gets to the point where other people end up roped into it and it’s absolutely horrible because you know they don’t deserve this. It becomes a virus that makes you say, “don’t touch me, I’m sick”. That’s why Tom writes, “the last contagious victim of this plague between us”. The stress of it all makes you drive the people you love away by accident, same vice versa. I’ve just convinced myself that what I’m doing is right, that I’m discretely saving people and am always one step ahead just in case something goes wrong. I just think that if I stop, they might end up suffering as a result. 

I obsess and develop issues, and from there I develop a fear of things worsening as a result. I look and look and look to make sure that what I'm concerned about hasn't happened, and on the occasion where it does, I become strangely energetic to where I can't breathe, before it hits me and I break down. I'm kind of terrified of myself but I’m horrified by what could happen if I’m changed. I have compulsions I need to fulfill and I'll be at higher risk of a bunch of terrifying stuff if I am, taking down those around me even more as well. 

It’s a very strange phenomenon, especially with the self awareness that I sometimes get when I sit down and write about it to myself. I’m at the point in my life where I have a lot on my hands, I’ve set the standards a lot higher for myself and I’m aware I can’t continue doing this but I’m stuck. I’m stuck and I’m aware, but once everything is said and done, I finally have a sense of security that leaves me under the impression that it was worth it for the safety. It’s almost like being in a brainwashed state. And that’s exactly why they chose the title for this song, making that comparison between paranoia to Stockholm Syndrome.