over dramatic part 2

i will never be able to tell someone how i truly feel because i feel like such an attention seeker. besides, i know why my life is fucked up - im too lazy to fix any of it. im too much of a coward to face my numerous faults and work on them, and im too much of a coward to even kill myself. i wish i would pass peacefully in my sleep. i dont want to feel pain before i go. when i die it should be a calm and hopeful moment, because it marks the moment the ones i love are no longer burdened with me. my entire existence has been an ugly and pathetic sight to watch, surely i should be allowed some grace at the end of my time? 

i dont dare to call them my loved ones, because i know they do not hold any love for me. past my bold facade and fragile confidence is nothing but emptiness. why would anybody care for someone who has nothing to show of themselves? there is nothing unique about me, as all my attempts to be interesting are just cheap imitations of the people in my life who actually have something meaningful in my life. 

(perhaps if i wasnt such a twisted person, i would be able to say that i am an amalgamation of all those that i love and have loved, therefore i cannot help but to love myself.