Mother.

Everything i do is to make people happy.  Even if i don't like it, even if it stops my feelings.

For example today, in my household we have a system, i load the dishwasher, empty it out and my sister loads, empty's out her load and repeat. Last night i packed that washer to the brim, id say i did a fantastic job and so this morning i was putting away my laundry when my mother made my sister put away my load of dishes so of course i was confused.

Then she told me i had to load again, i felt upset of course because thats not the routine and she simply said ''well todays a new day.'' i tried to argue but she kept shutting me down.

Every time i try to argue with her 'logic' she says ''well im the parent, your the child.'' or ''todays a new day.'' Every time i try to tell her something about her parenting is wrong or it hurts me she gets defensive and upset.

You may be wondering what this has to do with the opening statement, well whenever these things happen i want to cry. Im a very emotional child and cry often, not because im not getting my way but simply because this confuses me and it unfair, i sound childish i know and in my defense i am a child. Im a child who has to bottle her emotions to avoid being yelled at because then my mom feels bad. 

So whenever these things happen i cling to a teddy bear i made (his name is patches and he has button eyes and a missing arm and i love him so much.) and think of someone, a parent figure who treats me better and loves me.

The worst part is i cant tell my biological father because then my mother would get mad at me and she wants him to think of how much of a 'good' mom she is.  I have no way of escaping this hell hole and i dont have the guts to commit suicide. I cant run away because i have no where i could stay, I dont want to live with my dad because all of my friends are here and im too afraid to make new ones and i dont think my mom is willing to put me up for adoption.

Im stuck and i dont have a way out it seems, i have no way of getting through to her.

Maybe im just an angsty teen whos hormonal, thats what everyone says and honestly maybe that true. I just find these things my mother does unfair and the way i act isnt healthy either.

thanks for coming to my ted talk lol(my ted talk of rambling and getting off track.)