19/20 (Fly Forever)

"You skipped 18!!! You skipped 18!!!" Well okay yeah well when your mom skipped over to my house she bent her large ass over, she's a real salad dodger, and she let me do my business like I'm Donald Trump running for president. I put it on her left cheek, her right cheek, and put my excali- okay okay LTG is a weirdo I'm not doing this bit just shut up!!

1965 is the year Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon (Michael Collins was there, too, he just watched on some Sneako type shit) and made human history. Nobody, of course, knows this fact and it is celebrated in no nation, not even our own. 35 years after the matter, a future hustler and optimist bordering on stupidity was born. The latter is me, and the former happened on July 20th, my birthday if that needed. As of writing this, I have one hour and 38 minutes before my birthday. I'm turning 20 and have some thoughts regarding this 7 year stint as a teenager. 

Did I ever think my life would turn out like this? Nope! Nobody does! Because nobody can see 7 years into the future, lol. But the sheer difference is something to behold. I was not a particularly happy 13 year old. I got back from a really harrowing time of my life and found myself crying a lot that summer. It was to the point where, on my 13th birthday, I could barely eat at the restaurant because of how sick I felt in my stomach. In short, I entered my teens just another nervous wreck. Throughout these several years, I've experienced many pains that I can only describe as tragic, both in its relatability to many reading this and intangible to many I know in the physical. 

It got to a point one night when I was 15, fed up with everything including the 'rona to the point where I made my first and only suicide attempt. So close to going through with it, I had someone kind talk to me in what could've been my last moments. They didn't know what I was going through, we hadn't met in years, but I did something nice for them the one and only time we met so they tracked me down on Steam to thank me. I didn't know that I saved myself until that moment, since then believing in the power of language and conversation. After all, language is what helped us evolve beyond just being mere animals, no? Regardless, none of this was clean nor easy. The brief moments of relief were contrasted with mountains of pain. I should not have lived to 20. When I was 13, I did not think I would live to 20. When I was 15, I did not think I should've lived to 20. Now I'm 19, soon turning 20 where some people I was once younger than did not live to 20.

With this, I want to close out my last post as a teenager to say this -- I'm thankful. I'm thankful for everyone who loved me. Your kindness helped me going. While the moment of happiness were brief, their impact made me who I am today. I'm thankful for everyone who hated me. Our rivalry kept me on my toes. While a stress-free life is something most strive for, I was just as passionate in loving my friends as I did proving those against me wrong; having strong enemies is a blessing. I'm thankful for every community that accepted me, booted me, held me higher than a king and held me less than a slave. Every experience I've had up to now has allowed me to come into my own and help more people than I could've ever imagined, helping others save themselves from themselves. I say that just because my life has been terrible, full of strife, lonely nights and suicidal thoughts does not mean I can not be positive. It's not a bad thing, it's just life; bound to have its ups and downs. The struggles never go away, you just beat them at their own game with time, practice, and assistance from those around you, if necessary. I like to think my life is a success story, and that's why I am not afraid to speak on my pain to everyone -- I see a bright future in everything so long as the Sun illuminates my people. 

Right, right, that's all nice and cool and whatnot, but what's on my bucket list for my 20s? Well, I don't know exactly. 

1. I'd like for July 20th to be a national holiday because of the first paragraph and because I also want deals and shit on my birthday. My dad's born on Christmas, it's only fair someone inherits having a special recognized birthday. Maybe I'll push for that, I don't know. 
2. I've also written some basic raps and punchlines in my phone's notes app. I love to wax poetic and inspire people, but I never put it out there in an attempt to be a rapper or creative from it. I certainly will not be quitting my career as an accountant (who woulda thought I'd get into accounting, by the way?) to pursue a career in music, but everyone from my alleged wife to my mother knows that I can't be put into a box. Maybe I'll write a book if my voice doesn't suit the rap game. 
3. I'd also want to attend more political movements. I'm from around Chicago, and it brings me pain to see so many homeless people on the street. Yesterday on my way to a business meeting a woman biked up to me and asked me to stop. She reeked of blood, and in my head I'd assume that most people who get pulled up on by someone who smells like that don't live long enough to tell the tale. I was still curious because I wouldn't take her for the violent type. She, first of all, thanks me for stopping because everyone else ran or declined cause they smelled blood. Then, she tries explaining periods to me because I am short and she doesn't know I'm a grown man (LOL) and I have to break it to her that I know what she means by 'lady problems'. Turns out, she's homeless and can't afford feminine care or a change. After giving her $30 (I do not know how expensive these things are) and giving her directions, she thanked me once more and went off on her way. While the karma's nice and I understand I should be so quiet with the good deeds done with my left hand to the point where my left hand can't hear me being a good man, a thought lingered in my head. There are countless women like her. It must be an unimaginably cruel life having to beg for something as stigmatized as basic reproductive care, and I do not want homeless women to have to endure that. I have countless stories with homeless men and women and always try helping when I can, but one man alone can't do everything. I want to join groups and communities that support impoverished people, because they are good people. Your context does not necessarily define you. There are plenty of issues in Chicago: it's still segregated, violence still happens far more than it justifiably should, etc. I want to help those around me in the real world just as I help those in the virtual.
4. I'd like to meet some of y'all! I apologize of the contrast from Point 3 to this one is a bit jarring, but the times we spend mean more than you could ever fathom, and it'd be an absolute honor making sandwiches with Andy or buying gold plated decorative gorillas with Emma or yearning with Michael. Shit, I'd willingly put up with Ray's fat ass and argue about how his amazing art needs some rodent semen to really complete the piece before shoving 38,192 Chicago Dogs down Declan's gullet. I know you crackers are reading this btw get doxxed LMAOOOOOOOOO

The list is sure to waver and change as I grow, but this is a good start for now. Once again I want to thank everyone who has ever spoken to me, as a subconscious part of you lives on in how I carry myself. I want to thank the Mega Man 8 Bit Deathmatch community for defining the best and worst moments of my teenage life. It has given me a kind of love I do not think I'll be able to find anywhere else, and I am glad to have gone through everything I went through to be in the position I'm at in those parts. I'd also thank the TF2 Google+ community for getting me introduced to internet forums and making my introduction to you guys significantly less awkward as it could have been. Fanworks -- okay, now, I know we're not on the best of terms. But I still liked most of y'all. It's good people if you don't make childish mistakes like I did. I'd also like to thank the hhtwt community for having me around and putting me onto so much amazing music. I want to thank PulledPork for saving my life in that 4th paragraph. Other personal shoutouts were already done with your government names, everyone. This is the nicest way I could expose you all for being absolute legends I never want to part ways with. There's a secret fifth thing on that bucket list involving one of you, not telling which one though or what it is. Lastly, I want to thank Nicole. You should've lived to see the look on my face right now as I think of you. You would be proud of me, I hope.

Well, I'm out of things to say. We made it. I'm gonna do what I almost did when I was 15 and exit my teens listening to Catch The Rainbow, this time with all my neat trinkets and medals and CDs and vinyls I've amassed over the years as opposed to a knife, haha. 

See y'all on the other side of the moon.