tw: venting again

tw: suicide, ED. i have no safe place to vent this so im just putting it here. no one has to read it and i dont expect anyone to. i just doont know what else to do.

my depressiohns getting bad again. i spent like, 30 minutes trying to cover my windows with towles so the light wouldn't get through. i failed and im so fucking upset about it. i waan kill myself again. i cant take care of myself, leaving my room is so hard. autism + adhd + depression +anxiety +suicidal = a wreck. i cant shower, brush my teeth, eat, drink, talk to anyone whose not my cousin, etc. ive only been eating at night but my house has no safe foods for me to eat so ive just been eating hawaiian rolls and chips. i jhave 5 cups of water a day MAXIMUM, and thats being generous. very generous. i think im not going to eat tonight. i waana starve. i wanna die. i got into english honors but i have to write an essay and im only 50 pages in and the book is 400+ pages and i dont fucking know what to do. i wnna drop out but i ccnat. i dont remember when i last talked to someone who wasnt my cousin. i feel like theres no hope for my future, like theres no point in trying to cxhange of fix myself because im going to die young anyways. im a POC, im trans, im gay, im pagan, im mentally ill + mentally disabled, and im plussized and not attractive. theres no way i can survive in america. hopefully i starve to death before schhol starts.