complex gender thoughts (personal)

i think my gender identity has a lot to do with how other people percieve me unfortunately i wish i could be unbothered about it but yknow.

its also related to my autism and feelings of not knowing how to fit into a role or play a part. and being fairly young im still unsure of who i am and who i want to be.

in most cases i call myself nonbinary or genderqueer. i used to avoid those words because it felt like..... idk it was so heavily associated with like, tumblr teenagers LMFAO but seriously it felt more like just a third type of "role" to submit to, to me.

im becoming more comfortable with myself too since beating anorexia. i feel less of a need to blend in with other people and more comfortable being myself, personality wise and presentation wise.

but i had a moment last night where i was thinking about it all. and i think i still am conflicted about not fitting into a binary. i still imagine myself as a guy when its in the context of relationships, for example. i have to wonder how much is my genuine feelings and how much is the societal effect of being a girl growing up, witnessing misogyny and gender roles that i didnt like... pack that on top of some personal issues that i got from my upbringing too (avoidant attachment style gang wya)

i dont really know where im going with this but its probably good for me to get it out of my head and into words