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When I was 12 or 13 in my second year of junior high school I developed feelings for the first time for another trans nonbinary person. Granted they were trans before I was and even if those feelings may not have been as romantic as I remember, they were definitely my first real obsession. I wasn't a stalker, I didn't want to know where they lived, that wasn't the kind of obsessed I was. I had a more harmless obsession with them, I wanted to know everything about them, be there for them, become an integral part of their life in a way where I was unforgettably a part of them. My brand of obsession was intertwined with admiration, as though they were my god and I were some sort of acolyte. I wanted to talk to them for hours and let them encompass my life. This was my first queer relationship, whether platonic or romantic, my feelings were very real to me. Someone else made me realize my feelings. Saying I loved my friend at the time to hurt me, not knowing I was not afraid of being queer, being so surrounded by other queer POC in my friend group. I remember being curled up on my mattress on the floor that night, thinking about all the music I listened to that I didn't even like and all the videos and fanfics that I saw that I didn't understand, realizing this could be love. This an endorsement of my behavior because as much as it was harmful to my mental health, it was worse to them to be held on a pedestal. It's the kind of love that is so romanticized by people as being desirable that you come to find can be the most harmful and insidious to both of you, only the recipient of your affections find out a lot quicker just how bad that kind of attachment is. It was clear that when it began there was a high from it for people who had that kind of relationship with me. I mean, I laughed at all their jokes and I remembered all the small things about them and I was always going to be there for them, it probably gave a bit of a rush at first before it got a little overbearing. It caused me to have unknowingly pushed people away with my intensity (07/18/2024). — Mars ᓚᘏᗢ |
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