Kindly Eat a D*ck

Well ... Here I am again venting to the Internet about my problems. 

I want to tell him to just go and eat a dick. 

I'm nauseated. I logged in earlier this morning, maybe 4am, to create a post about how head over heels crazy I am for C. Then today in my car he hit me with "I want to freeze my sperm and get a vasectomy". 

I'M SORRY, WHAT!!????

Triggered. I was supportive, but I was also heartbroken and triggered. 

To preface. Last week I asked him what he would do if I was pregnant. Jokingly. I wasn't actually pregnant or scared of being pregnant. He said he would be "weirded out"... This from a man who is constantly talking about wanting a family. It was a red flag but we've got so much going on I put it behind me. I could have talked his ear off about how fucked it was for him to say that, BUT I DIDN'T .... I gave that mother fucker a pass. Then today he hits me with the vasectomy thing. 

Why are you recklessly hitting it raw if you aren't down to face the consequences? Especially if you don't believe in abortion rights? Is this bitch really THAT STUPID??? 

It's just another "what the fuck" moment in a string of what the fuck moments. Honestly, it has me feeling like total shit about myself past all of the drama, headache, and heartache . At one point he wanted it, which means he's changed his mind about me. I'm okay with him changing his mind, but if you're backing out or aren't sure don't fucking string me along. Ughhhh.... Let me GO!!! JUST PLEASE GO AWAY!!! 

Anyways, I asked him why the bitch he's leaving, T, isn't an option if he's not wanting kids??? Or at least not right away. Part of his reasoning for leaving her is that she doesn't want kids and he does. He's in an open relationship with her. Which means he can fuck anybody he wants. He could be with anyone who is on birth control. That's a fucking score for any college aged guy who doesn't want responsibilities. I however, am not on birth control, because it makes me violently ill. I've tried 20 different kinds... I just can't. I needed it for my PCOS and couldn't do it. I gained weight, became diabetic... Faced dire consequences... But it was better than throwing up all the time. I was a Playboy model at one point. Gaining weight ended a lucrative career path for me. I made the decision that was best for me though. 

As stated, I asked him why he doesn't just do that (stay with T) or fuck some other bitches. Gave him the introductory breakup talk. He got mad, then backtracked. Said he didn't want to risk it right now with his breakup and my divorce. Like, lol okay. I think freezing your sperm and a vasectomy is a bit extreme for putting off having a baby for a year or two. That's like a 5-10 year delay commitment. I'm not down for that. I'm practically in my mid 30's. Once I hit 35 I'm done. Who wants kids being THAT old. 

 I just feel like I'm in limbo. He's wasting my time. He's said he would marry for money. Maybe he's just out for that. Seriously though, why not just go hang out with your 300 lb, uneducated, unemployed ex who doesn't want kids and won't clean your fucking house. Why are you even trying to fuck with a bitch whose wrapping up her masters, has a kid and is owning as a Momma, owns her house, cars, works full time and has solid investments. I know why I want out of life and waiting on another man the way I waited on P is NOT IT. Honestly, a sperm bank would just be easier. I'm on my way up still, but it won't be too long before I don't need help paying any of my bills because I crossed 6 figures. He doesn't even have his degree yet. He's dropped out of college. I'm letting a broke ass, college dropout, with that kind of dating history do this shit to me. 🤷 Yes, I love him enough to look past all of that because he's a great person with a lot of potential. I've been through too much to let him keep my ass on hold though. 

I would be better off just dying alone with my cats. Being a single mother by choice. Having a sperm bank baby. Taking care of myself. This shit is just too toxic. We don't even talk much anymore and he spends all of his time gaming with his soon to be "ex" and their friends anyways. 

Bro, just no, get the fuck out of my face. I've been screwed over one too many times to be okay dealing with whatever the fuck this is. I'm over it. I want out. No man is worth this level of headache. Seriously. Fuck him.