incredibly bad chonny jash/cccc/hms crackfic

it was the most average a day in this hellhole could get. Mind and Heart were bickering again- probably over something infinitely nucanced, and the loop had just started again. There was a chance to change something this round and Soul was going to take advantage of it in any way he could.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Heart slammed the door as he stormed out of Mind's bedroom.

"(.Nobody gives a shit about what someone puts on their pizza, asshole..)"

"[:KILL YOURSELF!:]" Heart ignored the cold, blue, motherfucker as he shouted empty threats ranging from minor inconveniences to concerningly descriptive.

Meanwhile, how exectly did Soul decide to change the loop? Simple!

buying drugs :3

Ok, ok, it was just weed, but it still counts according to the government.

So there he was on the couch, bong and half-eaten pint of Ben & Jerrys on the table, half asleep, completely blissful and stoned out of his mind. Darrel was standing on his back.

Heart tried to speak to Soul, unsure as to wether or not he was still alive.

"(.Hello?)"

"{;hmm~?;}" Soul slowly got up as he realized Heart had seen him in this state, which seemed pathetic compared to his usual front of being an energetic leader to the rest. {;oh, um, hey there, heart. i was just haha um how should i put this,;}

"(.It's ok, I won't tell mind.)" Mind was very adamantly anti-drugs, and none of the others had the heart to tell him that technichally caffeine was a drug.

Silence hanged in the air for a few seconds before Heart spoke again. "(.May I please have some perchance?.)"

"{;sure, i guess;}"

Initially, after the first hit, Heart insisted on standing up the whole time, but after a few minutes was on the couch. None of them really conversed, with Soul not being in the mood to talk and Heart being busy thinking.

"(.Y'know, i've always wondered why people do this stuff if there are so many great things in this world, but this hasnt given me any insight into that.)"

"{;you probably havent had enough then lol;}"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two rips later, Soul went to his room to nap and Heart was left alone. At this point, all his thoughts were best represented in keysmashes and incomprehensible mispellings. As he tried to pick up Darrel to pet him, he heard a door open

.

Mind walked out of his room and calmly sat down next to Heart.

"[:Hey, about earlier, i guess im sorry for having responded that w-]"

"(.i really fuckhgnwant to hol d a coconut right now.)"

"[:What?]"

"(.I. want to hold a coc onut right now its so fucling round and rje cnjndjwnnc nc jnmjiyr7834iudnhuyBYbYbe387yh)"

Oh my fucking god i am NOT about to let this asshole die, Mind thought as he frantically sprinted to Soul's room and kicked the door open.

"[:WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE HEART??? SOUL? SOUL?! OH MY GOD HE PASSED OUT GREAT:]" Soul was laying down in a position that resembled the family guy death pose on a bare matress, only adorned with an uncovered white pillow and a red blanket that was wayyyyy too long, surrounded by empty cans of Sugar-Free Ultra Watermelon Monster Energy.

"{;guh???????????????????????????????;}" is probably the best way to describe both the sound and how Soul felt as he rolled over, looked up slowly, and saw an enraged-looking Mind towering over him. "{;ohhhhh you found him;}"

"[:FOUND? FUCK YOU MEAN FOUND HE'S GONNA DIE:]" Mind shouted as he  held and slapped Soul in a way only comparable to Homestuck pages 3246-3248

"{;IT WAS JUST WEED I SWEAR OH MY GOD;}"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mind ended up taking Heart to urgent care and dragged Soul along with him, thankfully everyone there concluded that Heart wasn't dying and that Mind was acting not very logically. so uh yeah!