Blog #3

TW: Eating Disorder

Dizziness from not eating is one of the best things I have ever felt. Getting up and feeling my stomach empty and feeling how my legs shake while I see stars feels like floating; it feels magical, and you love it because you know that this is helping. With this, you will be perfect. And no matter how many binges you have, Ana is always there whispering in my ear to be a princess: don't eat, don't sleep, don't eat, don't eat, don't eat. my diet becomes chewing gum, ice water, and whatever doesn't have calories. When I eat because of anxiety, I always try not to eat and overcome the urge, but in the end, I do it and torture myself because of it. I can hear all the insults in my mind trying to come out in bruises on my arms. "You must eat, I want you to be okay" They don't understand it; nobody understands it. How will I be okay if I eat? If that's when I want to stab myself with a thousand knives, when I don't eat, that's when I'm fine, when I'm happy seeing the weight go down; if not, I'm unhappy, and I want to destroy my body. but no one understands it.

Clavicles. Its satisfying to touch any bone, to feel how it is marked, how your ribs are visible, and how each bone can stand out and let you look perfect. That is happiness, not receiving help and compliments. Why do I need compliments if Ana can give them to me? The mirror can give me compliments, not people; people see me and then forget; a mirror can't, not me.

I like to be alone and talk alone with my mind, where it's just me and that little person in my mind. It's better than being surrounded by people and getting stunned. I don't like socializing; I don't like the idea of seeing people; I hate all that. So being calm, at peace anywhere, and thinking alone with my mind there is nice.Even my favorite part of the day is when everything is off. There is only me, my cell phone, music, ambuente, light to sleep and me, there is nothing else, only the absolute silence of the night and me. In the end, we all only have ourselves.