i wish i could kiss boys (vent i think)

now you're probably wondering "yeah duh a lot of people wish they could kiss boys" or "what's stopping you from kissing boys??" it goes a little deeper than just kissing boys in general.... like not just kissing them but like- dating boys. loving other boys while still being seen as a boy by them

whenever i watch a movie or shows where two guys kiss, or i see a picture of two guys kissing, or i read something where two men fall in love, i feel very envious. because realistically, i'm probably never going to experience that kind of love as a trans guy

since discovering i was trans back in 2022, i've never dated a guy. or hardly anyone, for that matter!! i've definitely had crushes tho, i think i've had at least one crush every school year... but i've been limiting those crushes to girls. i'm not even sure if i'm romantically attracted to girls tho... i just think they're pretty. i think i've been limiting myself to female crushes since i think they'd be the only people who'd see me as a boy

now i'm aware that there are guys who are genuinely and wholeheartedly supportive of trans people!!! i'm just saying that the guys in my school are like... idk. i can tell they don't think i'm really a boy. that's why i'm mostly friends/acquaintances with girls/other trans people in my school. but then i became good friends with this guy in my social studies class...

i remember when our seating arrangements changed and i was sitting next to him now. he was very nice, used the right pronouns for me, didn't say anything weird about me or my gender identity and was overall such a nice person to be around!! we talked a lot about music and stuff, and he let me talk about the x-men and spider-man and all the other things i liked!!! i gave him a whole list of all of my favorite songs and he said he really liked my taste in music!! he was in my gym class too, so we could talk even more, though we talked the most during social... and while my bff was in the hospital for months, i looked forward to seeing that boy more and more every day. as far as i was concerned, he was the only close friend i could talk to in person. that's when i started questioning how platonic my attraction to him was...

he was the first cis guy in a long time that treated me like a person, not some freak of nature. it was no wonder that i started to develop feelings for him!! but i was scared... scared that if i actually told him about my feelings, he might reveal that he never thought i was a boy at all. just some weird girl named michael. if anything, i'd rather get rejected by being told "that's nice but i'm not gay sorry!!" because at LEAST i'd know that he saw me as a boy. so, i pushed those feelings away. i thought i'd never be able to date a guy without still being considered a girl by the guy....

it hurts. i feel so lonely because of my fears. i pushed away my feelings for a genuinely good guy because i was so scared of him switching up on me. i never allowed myself to actually find potential happiness with another boy. i fear i won't ever allow myself to date a guy because of these thoughts. but i just want to love a boy. i want to be loved by a boy. i want him to see me for what i am: a boy!! i want to kiss a boy, knowing that he sees me as one too

i just want to love boys as a boy myself, damn it!!!