The fear of God

TW* I am talking about my own religious trauma and my fears with religion. Though I understand not all religious people are like this, it will not view religion in a positive manner. I support all religions along as they do not harm others*

When I was younger we went to church every Sunday. I would pray to my grandfather and draw pictures of me and him in heaven. I wanted to die young so I could go to heaven. I never sat still in church. I got board easily.

When I was younger I never felt guilt. I though God was good and he'd never hurt anyone.

One day we had a different priest. His mass was shorter.He said all gay people would go to hell. I didn't know what that meant but it didn't feel right. By the time I had my confirmation I had given up on god.

My parents anolaged my sexuality for the first time when in the car talking about religion I broke down and said "I don't want to be apart of a church that doesn't let people like me marry". The conversation ended there.

I was told I was going to hell. I felt guilt for existing. When my friends say that laws can only exist with religion, I felt like I was drowning. When I here a girl say that she believes all gay men are sinful and should die because the Qur'an said so I cried.  My country is carrying the of a god and no one has even gone to see if its still breathing. We are worshiping something centerys old and no-one has gone and seen if he's still there to here us.

 I tried to believe in god.

I really tried but How can one love someone they where brought up to fear? How can one love a monster who wheres to mask of a father?

I am Lucifer fallen from heaven and as the fire burned my wings it burned away the rose glasses from my eyes leaving only the truth hidden in churches and covered in Gold.

Is it hell if I was destended to end up there since I was born?

I want to believe in their god I really wanted to. But it would have killed me.  I can't be gutted from inside out and give up my organs for a alter that contently demands sacrifice. I can't die for him.

I can't compeat with god. Do you know how it feels to have parents who choose God over you? Siblings? Friends? How do I beat a God?

how

How

How

How

How?

HOW?

How do I make my family choose me over there god? How do I make them realise how much praying hurts? How much my skin tears and I sob over being the embodment of sin.

Eve and Lucifer and Lilith the first to fall, the first to realize. Your kingdom may be covered in bog but at least it is honest. Their god shall never be mine but I shall be friends with you. Please. I am despreat for love but I cannot give all I have again. I don't have much and am to broken for more.

When I prayed for god to fix me and got no responce was he saying I don't need fixing or I'm too broken for him to fix?