idk long BPD rant

The most debilitating traits of BPD only show up for me when I'm in a relationship or actively seeking romance. Mainly not being able to trust at all, which hurts even more knowing I'm 21 and should be out there dating and having fun like my other friends.

I don't have the type of BPD where I jump from relationship to relationship because I quite literally can not trust the other person or myself. I have a hard time believing I'm lovable and there isn't anything my partner could say or do to change that, as it has nothing to do with them/a lack of affection and everything to do with my lack of self worth. This ends in relationships being more painful and stressful than they are fun and happy. What hurts even more is, like many other people with BPD, I crave a partner, and it feels like finding that kind of real love is my only purpose in life.

Watching friends have boyfriend's ends up making me envious, because all I want is to have someone like that who I can sleep over at for days in a row, be myself around, not have to dress up or look good around yet still be desired by, just someone who loves me like that and someone I can be comfortable around. Then I remember what I'm like as a person and how difficult that comfort will be to achieve as someone who's brain strives to make them feel as paranoid as possible.

That low self worth causes me to always believe I'm being tricked by my partner, lied to, cheated on, or that they're planning on leaving or don't find me attractive at all. On top of that I know I can barely handle a regular situationship ending, let alone a full blown relationship. Instead of looking for the real life long term relationship I actually want, I end up just settling for short term validation from men online. It's pretty sad. (At least it makes for interesting stories for my friends lol...)

Having been to DBT for 2 years barely helped either, as we mainly focused on my anger issues and not the low self worth and feeling unlovable part. In fact, almost every session had to do with the anger, and other parts he told me that n a nutshell I just needed to radically accept. The anger issues aren't even gone, now I just know rationally that they're vulnerable feelings I gotta cry out. Seeing barely any progress in the years I spent working on myself makes me feel like a lost cause (which I'm sure many other people with BPD experience as well)