sea glass

｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆

Recovering from a failed suicide attempt can be very harrowing. It has it's ups and downs, but mostly downs as one failed attempt is just one more failure to the list of things I've already done badly. What really caught me off guard after my attempt was my detachment to all materialistic or so to say, "worldly" things in the universe.

Through out all the things in the universe I dare say that food is the one worldly thing that isn't saddening. Food is just a part of the universe. It comes and it goes, you create it, and then you consume it, and then it simply stops existing. It becomes something entirely different and we simply acknowledge that the food is gone and has been transformed into something else [energy]. While yes, physically the food does not "completely" disappear, but food that has been consumed is not called food anymore. All food once consumed are just one of the same. And they all disappear at the same time.

Materials and objects on the other hand, can be a really sad reminder that things do not disappear after a day, and you have to look forward into looking at it on the day of tomorrow, and the day of tomorrow's tomorrow, and so on and so forth. Most things don't disappear as it takes more than a day to decompose. I don't like it as it serves as a reminder that time flows, and it flows very slowly. I'm supposed to be grateful, but I see myself just feeling detached and uncaring towards anything that's supposed to last long. 

I had this realization when I was thinking of what else could my parents take from me as punishment. Frankly, there is nothing. They can take it all and I wouldn't care that much. My electronics were never mine to begin with and I don't own any items that I deem sentimental enough that I would die without it. Most worldly things can be recreated, rebought and rebuild with enough effort. Or at least to me. Because I simply do not care enough.

What about people? Are people not a part of "worldly" things? They are. But they aren't really a part of me. They're beings with their own mind and I merely become a part of them(a part of their story) from time to time. There is no real me in them, as I exist as my own person, and they exist as their own person without really needing me.

I am like a speck of sand on a beach, staring at the sky, watching the stars go by. My friends are the stars, they move at their own pace and appear when they feel like they're attracted to me, who is a speck of sand on a random beach on Earth. They move and glow and fly and be the beautiful things that they are. While I stare up into the night sky every night, hoping to catch a glimpse of them, never knowing when will they appear and disappear. Sometimes, the tide pulls me towards the sea, making sure I know my place in the universe, which is down by the sea, never leaving to a place I can never reach. Forever waiting and wishing upon a star, to please love me like how I loved them. A harrowing analogy. 

That is to say that people are not really a part of the world. They simply exist just like me, biding our time until our time is up and watching the time go by. Time can be recorded by erosion. I hope that by the time that I turn into sea glass, the world is no longer as beautiful as I tried to make it be.

｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆｡･::･ﾟ★,｡･::･ﾟ☆