6/16

That was the last time you spoke to me before taking your own life. I checked up on you a couple times after, but you never responded. I always thought you were busy until I had someone break the news to me today as I was scrolling my phone after waking up. Even as I'm writing this, I only have 35 minutes before I gotta stop fucking around and get ready for work.

What were you preparing me for?

I met you on complete accident. A former friend (who would later threaten to smash my teeth in over nothing) sent me a Twitter screenshot of some random begging for sex and said friend dunking on them. That random was you, by the way, but I've already told you that countless times by now. I reached out, worried for your safety as a young man with nothing else going on in my life except good vibes and a first semester in college, unaware of how deep it'd run. I'd scroll down your timeline, reading just how bad your situation was. I kept scrolling and scrolling, the main belief in my mind was that you deserved to live. You should've read this. 

What were you preparing me for?

The next several months would be hectic. You'd always tell me you were gonna be homeless and how awful your personal life was and that you were gonna take your own life. (C)SA victim, abusive bigoted household, trans in the deep south, a father who took his own life, countless relationships that burned and crashed I could go on. In my eyes, you were a warrior, a talented artist, a life worth saving. I could never imagine the pain you must've endured but regardless, you struggled through it all to talk to me. Some nights would be casual, us goofing off and sharing music we really liked. You liked some songs off 3.15.20 and I found myself enjoying your phonk songs. Some nights would be long and nightmarish, where your PTSD started kicking in. I'd have to stay up til sunrise talking to you until you felt better, having to calm your nerves when all you wanted to do was die. It worked, until now it seems, and you eventually warmed up to me. I remember the nights you used to flirt with me and we almost became a thing before I'd find someone. You found someone else too, someone you had known since a teenager, someone who would be the one to tell me what happened to you. You would tell me you were gonna die before Christmas, and then we made it to Christmas. Then you told me you were gonna die before April, then we made it to April. Then you told me you were gonna die before your birthday, then I got you Deep Rock Galactica, a game you really wanted, for your birthday. Then you went quiet

What were you preparing me for?

Before you changed planes, you seemed to be at peace. You were always kind to me, always spreading love to those around you. You were having issues at home and with your girlfriend, but you were optimistic. You took all the advice I gave you, all the donations I scrounged up for you, and you were on the cusp of coming into your own as one of the strongest women I ever met. The sun is in the sky for only a day. I saw the sunset and I must've mistook it for a sunrise. I should've read in-between the lines. I had to learn so much because of you, and now I feel like I'm on my own for the first time since I nearly took my own life back in 2020. All the skills you taught me I'd have to end up using. I became one man tasked with having to heal everybody. I'd be brought to people I didn't know to mediate some drama and act as a shitty fucking therapist. Everybody wanted me to be a god; I'm not a god. I'm not even a therapist or know jack shit about psychology. I just cared, so I helped people I cared for. Now I can't care for you anymore. Now, I turn my attention to the millions of people, almost like you, but never you. In your memory, I've donated $50 to the Trevor Project. Nobody should end up like you, but because of you, I live my life with purpose. So thank you. Maybe you are reading this, guarding me from a world I'll know a long time from now, finally free from the pain that defined your existence in the physical. Wherever you are, Nicole, I'll come and find you.

What were you preparing me for?

"MY STORY IS I WAS ALWAYS TRANS AND MY OVERLY RELIGIOUS FAMILY HAS KEPT ME IN CHAINS ALL MY LIFE IN MY MEMORY NEVER FORGET TRANS RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS"

-Nicole, 10/23/2001 - 6/16/2024

Edit 10/8/24: found her obituary. i dont have the strength to talk about how i feel