what was the point of all of it? (long ass read)

Its almost been 2 weeks since we broke up and this has possibly been the most eclectic and most up and down 2 weeks of my life. I just find it so weird how you can mean so much to someone and then in a matter of seconds, you don't. How you can spend so many months planning your future together, loving each other, making inside jokes, talking about how bad you'd feel if the other were to leave, meeting each others family, getting to know their routines, their fears, what makes them smile, what makes them cry, how to help them when they do cry, and even planning baby names just for it to all disappear within a single week. 

And then you start to ask yourself if the other person was as serious as you were with your relationship or if they meant it when they said they loved you or if all along you were just a step in their master plan of loving themselves. You ask yourself if putting yourself through an unstable relationship was worth the delay of the feeling you get once its over. You ask yourself if you could've done something to prevent the ending. you know full well that its better now its over because they were slowly trying to break you down to rebuild you into what they wanted but you wonder if it was all worth it for those several minutes where you felt love and peace. 

You keep expecting a text or something from them explaining how they messed up and they miss you but you know that will never happen because if theres one thing you know about them, its that they will never admit that they were wrong. But all you want from them is to be able to love them again. You just want someone to love you for you and not the person they want you to be. you know what they did was wrong but all u can keep thinking about is how you felt when they hugged you, when they kissed you, when they said they loved you and the comfort of knowing that someone out there loves you. you know you have your family and friends but its not the same. 

You wanna replace that feeling. You just want another hit because you know how badly you feel when you don't have that love but you can't replace them because thats not fair to the person you are replacing them with. And god knows true love only appears when you aren't looking for it. 

The thing you hate the most about this breakup is that you can feel and remember everything from the start to the end. The way he looked at you when he said he could kiss you, the first thing you spoke about, your first hug, your little inside jokes, his favourite hoodie, that time you went into the city had possibly one of the best days of your life, his laugh, his cry, how he comforted you when you most needed it and the feeling you'd get when you knew it would be okay because he was there. You remember every second but then you remember how none of it was real. It was all an illusion. He never loved you, he loved the love you gave. Everything you can remember about him loving you, was not real. You remember all the effort and love that was never reciprocated. you put your everything into it and all he did was take it and never give it back. 

You don't block him immediately because you're still holding onto that little bit of hope that he will come back and want you back. Its not like you would take him back, you just want the knowledge that you are still on his mind because god knows he's still on yours. To know that all the love and patience and effort you put into him wasn't for nothing. You text your friend and you tell them that you still haven't blocked him and they remind you that no matter what you do, if you hurt him, beg him to stay, send him death threats, no matter what, he won't give a shit. They remind you that he doesn't care how hurt you are, or how much you hate him, he does not give a shit. all its going to do is make you look desperate. Because you are. You are slowly learning that it doesn't matter how he feels on the inside, he's showing you what he wants you to know. And you can't text him and make him explain how he truly feels because you don't actually care how he feels you just want to make sure that your love meant something. 

You hate how you got the shit side of him so he can go and love somebody better. To him, you were a tool. You were a piece of advice to help him get the girl he actually loves. And that really hurts because all that does is tell you that you are only good for temporary love. Always the therapist, never the lover. He fucked you up so he knew what the rights and the wrongs were for the girl he actually wanted from the start. You were just the test subject. All the times he looked at you in the eyes and said so genuinely that he loved you, was it all a lie or was it to make you stay? What was the point of all of it? Was there ever any point? I was just the place holder. I've always just been a place holder.