7/14/24 11:40PM

Today is July 14th.

Hello, reader! I want to clarify that I’m writing this blog for myself to organize my thoughts, which isn’t easy for me. This blog will be all over the place, messy, and hard to read. I wouldn’t blame you if you got annoyed and clicked off. I’m not a good writer, and I’m not trying to be.

 That said, here goes lol

 I’ve been thinking a lot lately, particularly about my attachment style. I’ve been grappling with my anxious-avoidant attachment, especially with a friend named Conner.

 I met Conner in 6th grade, and within a month, I realized I was obsessed with him. It’s funny because, looking back, I see 11-year-olds as just kids, but they can be quite intuitive. I recognized my obsession early on and still feel it. 

I consider myself self-aware and knew it was unhealthy to be so possessive and reliant, but part of me doesn’t care. Recently, I’ve started seeing an online therapist, which has been immensely helpful. She helped me understand that my possessiveness stems from my childhood. My mom went through a divorce and remarriage, and both she and my stepdad were often busy with work. My therapist explained that my dependency on others is due to the lack of attention and care from my parents. This lack of emotional support changed my brain and behavior, creating specific needs.

 I feel bad blaming my parents because I love them, but it was their responsibility to be there for me emotionally, and they weren’t. This has left me with issues that I’m painfully aware of.

 I can’t help but be attached to Conner or have emotional and physical needs. Before Conner, there was a girl named Riley in elementary school who was my rock. I’ve always had someone to depend on. Conner gives me validation, praise, and touch: three things I still don’t get from my parents.

Now that I understand this, I can usually calm myself when I feel down. It used to be worse. In 7th grade, my day’s quality depended on how much touch I received from Conner. I can give you an example:

 Day 1: Conner hugged me this morning, held my hand, sat next to me at lunch, and put his arm around me after school. I had a good day!

 Day 2: Conner wasn’t at school today. I’m going to fucking cut myself when I get home!!!

LOL Luckily, I’m not like that anymore. I’ve learned to regulate myself better. I had a sleepover with friends, including Conner, last Wednesday. For the most part, I had a good time. Conner held me in the pool, played with my hair, cuddled with me on the couch, kissed my legs, etc. (I want to state that this isn’t romantic! We’re both touchy people, and he knows physical touch comforts me.) However, he didn’t sleep next to me, which triggered something in my head, making me super upset. I pathetically paced in my friends stupid mansion sobbing while everyone else was asleep. I knew it was unreasonable and pathetic, but I still couldn’t stop crying. 

I don't want to write anymore right now. I might write tomorrow or some other time. I don't plan on having a schedule when it comes to yelling into the void on this dumb website lol. Who knows? This might be my only entry forever lol

Goodnight!

-Cam, at 12:35 am