i lost my bestfriend (tw - pet death and mentions of self harm)

on the 14th of july 2024 i woke up to my mum calling my name crying, she said how our dog wasn't breathing properly, maybe like -  a month-ish prior, my dog was diagnosed with lung cancer. - i went down the stairs and my mum was crying saying how we had to go to the vets. i went into the kitchen and my dad, brother and brothers gf were all there. i went back to the bottom of the stairs and cried. in the past 15 years i havent ever seen my dad cry, until the 14th of July.

me, my dad and my mum all went to the vets. i kind of knew what was about to happen. my mum had talked about how if she was ever in pain we would put her down, we could not let her live in pain. we got to the vets and its was just one girl working, and we all went to a room and the girl said we can up the steroids or give her more meds, or put her down. my mum said, that my dog was in pain and we would do the right thing and put her down.

all i kind of remember is not being able to look at my dog while they were infecting her. while she was going out i just remember my dog kept looking up at me and i kept mouthing "im sorry" "im so sorry" i remember hearing my mum basically scream-crying while holding her while she was taking her last few breaths. we were all crying. i remember when the vet told us she was gone i sat down on the chair next to my girl and just cried while i looked into her eyes. she was dead. she wasnt looking back at me. my best friend died.

from this point forth i promised to her i would never self harm ever again.