hai!!!

The Upbringing

When i was a lil one i was diagnosed with Autism. this, of course, was definitely a wrench into the plans of me ever having the normalcy most people want. however, i never really had any particularly bad problems with it due to me still being able to function mostly normally. the main problems really, we're just learning speech and general social cues.

i also had a lot of health problems. i had to have surgery performed to make sure i was able to survive properly. a lot of the time, i was more close to being dead than i was to living one more day. however, i was VERY luckily able to survive these pitfalls and continue.

as i grew, my main interest for probably the rest of my life began to be activated. the first of the bunch we're dinosaurs, animals, and the ocean. these interests were present very soon after i began watching TV and such. i remember watching a lot of documentaries about sharks and such. i also remember that my main introduction to dinosaurs was Jurassic Park 3, which was still a relatively recently released movie. i remember watching it a bunch of times, however apparently i only watched it once. either i was making false memories because it was that good to me, or i was figuring out how to turn it on myself on the TV.

as far as i know, we've technically moved 4 houses. one when i was really young, once when i was in my toddler years, and once now. the first house we moved into is still not that far away, i could walk to it. the first house we moved out of however into that house is in another city. i still have very fond memories of that house and i can still barely picture the layout in my mind. 

that house was my base of operations, my hideout away from the world outside. i remember that i would usually be playing with my dinosaur figures around the house. sometimes in the kitchen, sometimes in the yard, sometimes in my room. this house contained a lot of memories, good memories. however, not all things we're perfect.

at this time of life i had frequent nightmares. i don't exactly know the point of origin for all of these nightmares, i can only guess that they came from TV shows of some sort. either that, or my timing is wrong and they we're after i got my hands on the internet. i can remember a lot of these nightmares. a lot of them we're surprisingly disturbing.

in one of these i was flying in a helicopter and we we're flying over a burning city. in that city, people scrambled as the fires burned away. this dream was long, and there wasn't much substance other than us flying over the burning city. i have no idea what this means or was at all.

another nightmare, which may or may not have been some form of sleep paralysis, was of a woman at the end of my bed. i couldn't move at all, but i could watch her. the women approached slowly, for some reason she was just sliding forward towards me like she was on a conveyor belt. she just kept on getting closer to me. the reason that i think it could be sleep paralysis is that everything felt too real around me. i just don't think it would make any sense for there to be that realistic of a room in a dream.

the main way i avoided these nightmares was going to sleep with my parents. it always worked every time, it would easily prevent the nightmares from occurring and would allow me to sleep peacefully. little did i know, this would result in me being unable to sleep by myself for a long time.

i honestly don't remember exactly how i was introduced to video games, or if it was before i got access to the internet. however, at some point i did get access to them and with them, the internet itself.

The Internet

i first achieved the power of the internet when i was very young, i don't even remember a time where i haven't been able to access some sort of device. i think my first was my parent's phone, or tablet, or whatever they had back then to give me. all i remember is that it was some sort of electronic device. the access that they gave me was very much unlimited, they basically just allowed me to explore whatever i wanted. this has been both a blessing and a curse, as it has led to major development, and massive issues arising.

when i was a lil one i usually was on youtube. i clearly can remember that imainly watched GTA5, Minecraft, Gmod, and probably many other games and such i forgot. over my time of watching youtube, i slowly learned more things and got interested in new things. most of these would quickly be left being, however, one would stand above the rest as a pivotal character defining moment for me.

The Discovery of FNAF and the horror genre

The day i discovered the FNAF series was the day i gained my love for all things spooky. i'm unsure exactly of how i learned of it, the only thing i can think of is either a Markiplier playthrough or a cousin showing it to me. FNAF, to me at the time, was an interesting concept and provided a new feeling to feel and a new thing to explore. i personally never remember me being really scared of the games, besides FNAF 4. this is probably what allowed me to stay so hooked on, as there was nothing driving me away from it. eventually, i did begin to move forward through the genre, discovering other games that we're way darker than it could ever be. one of the important ones being DDLC. DDLC i know i figured out about by watching a Markiplier video, as i didn't know how to get it nor anything about where to find games like this. the main pivotal moment i can remember from my first exposure was that one scene (you know the one). After that, i continued down, learning more and more about other spooky games, characters, stories and anything that was popping up for me.

Growth

as life continued, the natural progression of growth continued in the background. i remember my younger self beginning to realize that this growing, would eventually lead to my own demise as i would eventually not be able to function once i got a certain age. this thought scared me. i can only assume my younger self knew of this due to the content i consumed. however, at this time i still had and have had other things to keep me going and focused on making the best of the current predicaments at hand.

school for me was normal. it was about what you would expect. i made some friends, however i didn't stick with them because a lot of the time i didn't really care to stay with them. i usually always left them behind for someone new to be with. the main reason i being due to sudden changes of interests, because when you have Autism your interests will shift on a dime and for me, it made it almost impossible to keep friends.

school work for me was a breeze in terms of writing, however math was always a major issue and would leave me stumped every time. i still have a hard time with math today even as it takes a lot for my brain to understand it. 

Due to my issues with math, i was assigned a teacher to watch over me to make sure i was able to do the subjects easy. this teacher switched out several times over the course of the years, however i only really liked one of them.

throughout elementary school everything was pretty normal until the dreaded year of 2020 reared its ugly head and gave rise to one of the most worldwide events within this decade.

The Quarantine

right as we we're about to go into our finally year of elementary, the grand hammer of the quarantine smashed down and sent us all back to our homes to hide away for an unknown amount of time. 

for me, i didn't mind this change at all, as i was already too used to playing video games inside at this point and already didn't particularly appreciate school. in fact, i actually enjoyed spending time inside by my lonesome. it allowed me more time to chill and learn more things.

while i sat there, i didn't even bother thinking about schoolwork, as to me, this was basically just a longer summer vacation. my parents tried to get me into it, but i would either do it for a little bit and stop, or completely ignore it. this resulted in them giving up, and my brain slowly losing gained knowledge overtime.

while on my computer, i mainly did roleplays and played games on Roblox. Roblox had been a pretty big part of my life up until this point, always being one of my main games to play. Roblox also was the game that first started to reveal hints of me not being so cishet. 

The Signs

The Discovery

Back to School

Eventually, despite younger Me's disappointment, school started again. However, this time it would be our final year of elementary.

despite all of the apparent sadness of school ending, i actually was non-caring and just happy for it all to be over. this year was probably the most lively i had ever been at school due to the simple fact it was almost over for good.

i went through all of the events that year, i made a video for a talent show, i marched in the parade with pride. that year was perfect. everything would have been just fine if it weren't for the looming presence that follows us all.

the dark, shadowed presence of death itself.

The First Sights of Darkness

despite my joy, death does not care for it. it only operates as it does to allow the passing on of an animal so it may leave room for another to take it's place.

the death of my dog was a breaking point. i thought everything was okay until he died. however, i would never say the worst part was the part when he died. it was the part where he was alive, but in pain.

i had to watch that dog suffer through so many seizures yet be resuscitated every time just to drag out it's miserable existence a bit longer for selfish people to keep him for just a little bit longer. eventually, all of those seizures lead to his brain frying.

he was put down soon afterwards.

after that, my mental health was already down. i was still able to feel though. however, that wouldn't last long as another bout of darkness rolled over the hills.

a nurse at our school, who had been missing from the school for a couple years now, was revealed to have been killed by cancer. one of, if not the worst thing that can befall someone.

after hearing the news, i just cried. i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't hold it all in. those tears would mark the official fall of my mental health and would lead to the lack of emotions i feel until now. i don't know what it iis, i can guess, however i can't confirm nothing.

The Summer of Nothing

that summer i began to feel the nothingness that i would feel right now.

it all started with me noticing i couldn't laugh at much of anything, nor get scared at all. which was odd, because sure i didn't really get scared, but i would still jump. however now, i just couldn't fel those. neither could i laugh at the jokes or things that happened in videos i watched.

then it continued like that. i couldn't feel very happy anymore. it just felt like i was being a robot more than a person. i felt like, and still feel like i am just handling emotions like coded in responses. i have to try and "pretend" to be a person.

Middle School

middle school was an interesting experience as it arrived as quickly as it went away.

the best way i can describe middle school is that it's an experience. the people there are meaner, the teachers are the same, most of the time the system does barely anything about the bullies besides from tell them not to be one and it just seems that nothing happens when you report bullies.

that's the summary, at the very least. i'll probably focus on more specific things for this since there wasn't many crazy things happening.

Coming Out

during Middle School i finally decided to come out as transgender and bisexual. 

it all started with me finally talking to my mom about it, who admittedly, did act a bit strange when the topic arised. she would constantly try to advertise other labels, even though i was being pretty admit about my opinions. after a little while, she finally decided to help and got me to talk with a counselor. 

the counselors we're definitely one of the better aspects of Middle School as they generally provided a good safe space for me to talk and express my feelings. they also provided some advice that i will take with me for the rest of my life. not to mention they helped me finally break my bad coping methods.

after a while of talking, i finally decided to choose a name for myself as an act to transition socially. i won't be telling that name for obvious reason.

my mom, didn't like this action however, and tried to insist that i should have kept the old one. this, automatically, triggered my red flag markers in my mind. i understandably, didn't go through with keeping my deadname and kept the one i had chosen.

after this, me and the counselor also worked to make the teachers use the correct pronouns.

and after that, everything has kind of gone normally. i sometimes got bugged by some bullies however in general the fact that i was so quiet and unnoticeable kept me from really being targeted.

the only thing that i really didn't like was my friend leaving me due to some of the bullying that had fallen on them from being near me. i understand they wanted to avoid being bullied, but to me it screams you're not the best of a person if you'll ditch someone as soon as they get you into trouble for simply being trans.

besides that, it's been perfectly fine, in fact, it has gone pretty great. i wouldn't change anything i did.

Relationships

during the years of middle school, i finally got into my first relationship. this relationship ended pretty fast, however it did teacher me things about relationships i will never forget. i also am glad that that particular relationship was with that person.

Music

while i was in middle school, i also began to learn how to make music.

it started out with simple covers of songs that i had found a keen liking too, which then leaded to me changing notes around in those songs. this process of changing notes would allow me to slowly learn the basics of song writing without ever needing to watch a video, or read a book on how to do so.

after many days of covers, i finally began to practice on making original pieces of music. these, of course, we're not good at all at first. however, with time they improved and grew better and had more quality put into them. while leads to now.

now, i am currently a pretty confident composer who has made many pieces of original music for myself. i have talked to a music teacher, and they have approved of my work. which to me show i have great potential as they even said i should compose for video games or animations!

however, despite all my accomplishments, i still have one worry

The Eternal Sickness

about halfway through the 8th grade year, i had gotten severely sick with some sort of virus. this virus had made me bedridden and unable to eat for multiple days. over that time, my body was also losing massive amounts of weight. i also got pneumonia and stomach acid in my lungs presumably from throw up. 

despite this, i made it out of the hospital okay

but ever since then, there has been a lingering stomach pain no matter what. the doctors at that hospital couldn't have seem to find an answer to why my stomach was hurting while there so it leaves me to wonder what i have.

i am really hoping that this is not going to become a big problem, as if this thing is an unknown disease of some sort it could spell the end for me.

all i can do is hope that it can be helped.

Conclusion

so yeah, that's everything that's happened so far in my life. hopefully this'll allow you to understand me a bit better. 

in the future, i'll probably only make posts about my music, art and other subjects. however, if you all want, i wouldn't mind telling more stories of some sort.

anyways, i'll see ya'll later.