Current Thoughts #8

Hi! Just letting you know that what I wrote here was written out of anger and I will NOT be harming myself! I swear I'm alright! I just felt the need to vent here since keeping my feelings bottled up is not healthy lol

(Content Warning: Usual Teenage Self-loathing) 

I think one of these days I'm going to hurt myself. I don't know where I stand with my mom, my family, and who I am as a person. I find myself pretending to act out certain emotions when the situation calls for it, and I feel indifferent about the fact I'm able to do this. I feel indifferent about a lot of things, now that I think about it.

There are times that I am certain that my love is just nonexistent. I feel like, instead of feeling love, I tolerate the people who are close to me. But whenever they get mad, it sends me spiraling. Like right now with my mom.

I acknowledge the fact that she is sick of my shit and that there is only so much that she can take, but the things she says to me when she's so angry are just stifling. It makes me feel horrible, like she's yelling at someone who wronged her, rather than her daughter. It's so hard to stay angry at her because of my bad memory, so I think I end up resenting her instead of holding a grudge (?). I know I'm a horrible daughter, that my mom only loves me, but not like me. If I wasn't her child, she would've ditched me years ago. It's hard to remember that she cares for me. For good reason too. I'm fat, I'm ugly, my hygiene is horrible, I'm hyper-sexual, and I'm just horrible to be around. Despite having friends, I'm horrible when it comes to interacting with my family.

Whenever they need me to do chores around the house, my face sours and I get short with them. It's driving me mad, I don't know if this is a normal thing that most teenagers do and I'm just being gaslit by my mom, or if I'm being a manchild at this point. My grandma at one point admitted to being afraid of me and it just sucks because I'm stuck in between thinking im just a grumpy teenager or that I need to be kicked out. The fact that I'm a stubborn woman doesn't help either.

I know I'm a slob, change doesn't happen overnight, but God I just want to kill myself over these things. It's so stupid, my mom has the right to discipline me the way she sees fit, but It's just that it's hard, hearing her cuss me out the way she does. She talks about me like I'm a stranger who ticked her off that morning, and disregard how I feel. I hear her talk to anyone who listens after we fight. She insults me and gossips about me if i did something wrong. it makes me want to crawl into a hole and disappear. She doesn't know that me being short with her is an attempt to not blow up at her, to blow up at people in general. She'll never see that though. She'll only ever sees the girl who won't get a grip and is being a shit person to her on purpose. I want to disappear; I want to just not exist. I hate it here, I'm spoiled, and I'd never survive in this world. I hate myself. I'm so fucking fat and ugly and the spitting image of my father's personality, it's horrid.