good luck

I never considered myself as a person who struggled badly, i always thought i had it so good, that i had the best luck. Apparently I didn't have enough when I was around him. There was always something I could do better, I was always wrong for wanting more than what he gave, I was shamed for begging for more, that it was greed, I thought i’d receive a little more, i did everything he asked, i was quiet, patient, i did not interfere with his affairs, with the people he devoted his attention too, with the people he loved more than me. Maybe I was jealous, maybe I was wrong for wanting more. Why couldn’t I have just sat quietly. Why couldn’t I have just listened to what he wanted. Why did I have to ruin it all? My useless body only feels worth it when it's held in the arms of someone. It doesn’t matter what they do, it just matters that they tell me they love me, even if it's a lie, even if they stare at others, even if they laugh after, even if they furrow their brows, I do not care, I just want to be loved.

I feel sick, I feel disgusting, my skin is disgusting, my body is disgusting, I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I mustn't sleep. I mustn't eat. My body is rotting and I do not care. My heart is empty, I cannot care. I wish to care but I won't.

Sometimes I feel like a child again, careless and giggly. Running straight into my mothers arms, Sinking into her affection. I do not feel that anymore, I am told that I'm too old to cry. I can’t cry. Even if I'm heartbroken, even if I'm in pain, even if it hurts to breathe, even if it burns to talk, even if I'm sick, it is inconvenient to you, my pain is a burden that you will not help me carry. The place we call home does not feel like one, instead it is simply just bricks that carry the family name. Pride and history will crumble under immaturity. 

Love is temporary 

It will not last

I will not last

I will wilt

My stem and petals will be replaced by something new, something pretty.

Something I never could be.