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I discussed in entry 17 (which is exactly 17 entries ago, I realize) that I have a huge issue with intimacy that has plagued me since I was young and even before that I discussed my issues with being platonically likeable in Entry 9. Another side of those problems is that often I have a tendency to remove some of my edges or accept a lot of the really (in retrospect) bad treatment. A lot of my friends say I am one of the nicest people that they know because I have the tendency to be really patient with really bad harmful behaviors towards me until it is undeniable. In all honesty, I am not the kind of person that you'd expect that from, especially since I think I'm a lot more brash and hotheaded, a ticking time bomb that is to be feared for it might hurt those I love. So, I spend most of my time trying to get people to love me so that the bad parts can be outshined by the parts of me that want to love others. And this doesn't SOUND like a flaw, I know it doesn't, but the extent of my kindness is what my friends describe as tokenizing myself. I find the fact that declawing being an invasive procedure that is done against the will of the animal, and in fact harms them in the long run, serving only to benefit the person who desires to declaw for self serving reasons to be so deeply metaphorical for my situation. |
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I have allowed a lot of people in my life to use parts of my identity to show how I am good for my use and how I am good to keep around. Whether it is other people of color or white people, other autists or allistics, etc., I have a tendency to let people talk to me in a way that is not right when it comes to my identity or letting them shame me into feeling bad for the parts that make up my person. Worse yet, I need other people to tell me that I am even being really mistreated most of the time because of how often I will tell myself that I am being overly sensitive or that I am taking things too personally because of past experiences. In a way, it's like declawing because I am allowing them to take parts of me that are integral, even if it so deeply harms me or even threatens my survival in reality, just so I am loved, just so I am invited in their warm embrace at the end of the day. I guess it could be considered similar to the process of domestication and maybe its even normal to become an expendable piece of someone else's home, allow them to weaponize you, against others or even yourself. (07/10/2024).
— Mars ᓚᘏᗢ
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