Robert Kurvitz & Disco Elysium

I wanted to rant a bit about my favorite game and how its writing has inspired me, because I finally have a place to blog! Why does no website include a blog anymore! Fuck!

I don't think I've ever been so immersed in and fascinated by any piece of media like I have with Disco Elysium. The way Kurvitz writes characters and dialogue has fundamentally changed the way I write; the subtle (or not-so-subtle) way the game forces you to introspect on yourself after making decisions, comedic or not, forces you consider your own beliefs from an outsider's view. It makes you consider yourself in his view. Both you and the world are unarguably is a shit state, yet you are met with criticism and ultimately failure and embarrassment when you attempt to "fix" either.

I think the ultimate failure to when pursing any political interest or "copotype" is honestly more important than it initially seems. The game as a whole is a commentary on how ignoring your trauma and personal struggles by filling your own life with distractions and the beliefs of others only leads to further failure. No matter how much ranting about the oncoming apocalypse, annoying the shit out of people with elitist art criticism, spreading the free market, or needless racism you do, you never solve the root problem. Those paths are merely "filling the hole" in yourself with the judgement and opinions of others as Harry has been filling himself with alcohol for years on end. 

The final part of the game gives you a hard truth that you (or rather Harry) have been avoiding the whole time: trauma and self-loathing can only be overcome with empathy not just for others, but for yourself. No matter how much you try to solve the problems of the world or drown your problems, the only solution is accepting your own flaws and recognizing your issues so that you can grow up and work through them. All the political systems are flawed not because everyone is an idiot, in fact the only path that outright leads to your death is being a centrist fence-sitter. It's because all of the groups refuse to acknowledge their own problems: the communists cannot even make it past arguing with each other to take any collective action to help others, the "light-bending rich guy" neoliberalist can't see past his own obsessions to realize his system relegates human lives down to purposeless numbers, and the fascists cannot get past their own bigotry to even form an agreed upon definition of what the system is in the first place. 

Like you, all of these people are flawed, and they try to fix the world in their own way before even realizing they need to help themselves first. Only by coming to accept your own trauma and admit your problems are you able to get your shit together and earn the respect of your precinct again. Regardless of if you fixed your drug problem, if you made it worse, if you supported two opposing political factions, if you told the entirety of Martinaise that The Gloaming and Great Bloodletting was upon them and insisted to 7-year old children that "You're the Law," multiple times, you got your job done. But the investigation into the murder was rarely the focus, picking up the broken pieces of yourself and looking into the mirror to see how ridiculous you look hiding your trauma is what allows you to grow as a person and find new purpose.

Suffering from trauma at the time I played the game, it became terrifying to look into a mirror of my own cycles of self-loathing, procrastination, and addictions. I wouldn't exactly credit the game with helping me get over the PTSD, but it forced a mirror on me when I was broken so that I could piece myself back together like I helped Harry piece himself back together. It made me see the value of not only my own personality, but also my own opinions. Hiding behind the opinions, values, and personalities of others because of shame and self-loathing is what leads to these cycles of depression. I want to love myself as an individual and want to value my individuality, and wish I can spread that message to others who need to hear. I hope I could inspire people even a fraction of the amount Kurvitz has inspired me, both creatively and personally.