My journey through gender identity

I was transgender (ftm) for about four years before last August when I decided to detransition. Last summer (2023) was very hard for me when I still identified as trans. I told myself that I was a boy-- and at the time, yes, I was-- and that I could only be a boy. I've always been super into fashion and self-expression through clothing and makeup. Still, last year, after my crisis of constantly being misgendered (even though I'm sure it was a mistake with no ill intent), I threw out all of my "feminine" clothes and all my makeup, even though I still enjoyed dressing up and expressing myself through fun clothing. I wanted to pass so bad, but as a minor with no access to hormone therapy or surgery-- or even not owning a binder due to my parents-- it was... to say the least... hard. I was so strict on labels and putting myself into constrictive boxes for my identity that I lost touch with who I actually am. I'm me; nothing can change that, and trying to be a person I'm not is harmful. Last August, I came out as genderfluid because... I am, or at least I believe I am. 

I see no limits to my gender identity. I quite literally do not care whatsoever if someone calls me a boy or a girl or uses a gender-neutral term like "they." I've come to terms with accepting myself as both masculine and feminine and that it's okay to be vulnerable in my body (and that I don't have to keep up a strict gym-bro, hyper-masculine persona). I continue to use the name Fynnegan, which I chose for myself when I had my "trans phase." I think it's kind of harmful to say "trans phase" when it consumes such a big part of my life growing up. I accept it as a part of myself that I can't just erase away, nor do I want to. It wasn't embarrassing nor cringe; it was simply just a younger version of myself trying to find out who I was, and THAT'S OKAY. My given name (/deadname, even though I refuse to use that term because I find it harmful), Naimah, will always be a part of me. I regret resenting it so much because the little girl who was always so proud of her unique name would be so disappointed to see someone purposely pushing it away. My feelings at the time when I did resent the name were valid, though. Even though I am no longer using my given name (Maybe when I'm older, I'll change my mind; we'll see as time passes), I still accept it as part of me.

In short, be who you are (as overused as that phrase is). You only live once.