my thoughts no.2

NOTE: i wrote this while i was absolutely dissociated and half asleep.. sorry if there are errors or repeats. 

my thoughts on love

before i really start up on this, i’d like to mention this is NOT a vent. there are also many nihilistic sounding things in this.

my thoughts on love, similar to death, are complicated. i’m told by many people that the meaning of life is love. i think it’s just to consume and reproduce. a human being is an excellent thing, a gift. this world belongs to us. well, it belongs to the people with money. anyways, i’m sure i’ve said this a few times before, maybe mentioned it in one of my blogs: but, i feel i may never reciprocate feelings with another human being. romantically or sexually. i don’t exactly understand how others see if, but i have a strong sense of empathy for others, which has gotten me knotted in “relationships”. i don’t even want to call them that. get ready for a sob story. unfortunately, let’s say about 2 or 3 years ago, an old friend had approached me and told me he ‘liked me,’ and that he’s ‘liked me’ for about.. maybe 4 or 5 years? i didn’t even remember the poor boy, so it made the already awkward moment worse. i panicked, because he pretty much had me trapped and just overrode my mind, i said i liked him back..?? of course, i don’t remember, and i don’t care. but the damned man was absolutely head over heels for me. it was EMBARRASSING. i don’t remember much from it because my wonderful brain blocked the whole thing from my memory. but, i do remember how much a FREAK this dude was. the, maybe 10 months(?), i endured was a nightmare. he’d get touchy. and i really didn’t like it. i remember he had told me several times he’d had sex dreams with me, telling me that i should’ve see how hard he did it to me. boo. i had finally decided to take action, telling him i didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, the day after valentine’s day, lol. none of the things we did together mattered to me. i didn’t care, still don’t.

enough of that, continuing on the original topic. i don’t have a fear of intimacy. i just don’t feel like i’ll ever really get close enough to a person to ‘love’ them. i’m a strange being, and i’ve come to accept that. my life just doesn’t revolve around others. i am my own top priority, and i feel i am all i’ll ever need. sometimes i think that there is someone out there for me, but i’m not sure. i’ve been a loveless being my whole life, and that’s fine. 

i have a reoccurring question. what makes one person love another? how does one look at another and feel love. what does love even feel like? i’m told it’s “fuzzy and warm”. i like neither of those things, i don’t even know what i like. how do i even like something?? how does one look at another and think ‘i want to marry this person and have a family with them.’? i feel i’m just some hallow girl who’s absolutely terrified by the thought of pregnancy. (big reveal! i’ve got tokophobia and it’s not really my favorite.)

i don’t understand why others make it such a big deal, i don’t understand why people make their problems mine, i don’t understand why anyone has ever felt anything for me, i don’t understand how my mind works, i think i’m just being difficult, but i just don’t understand. i wish i could just turn into an animal and flee this life i’m living.

thank you to the people who read all of this, i’m sorry it’s so much. i like talking about how i think sometimes.