Im going insane

Bro so like Im obsessed with Bam Margera okay I base my whole life on if I think he would think I was cool or not. Like I want to be this man. And it just kinda sucked because Ive based my whole life around this man and I look up to him and admire him so much just for him to be an alcoholic. Like, its not even like he was alright at the time that Im idolizing him from. He was a bulimic alcoholic who hardly even loved himself. And I understand that, like it just makes me look up to him even more because I can relate to that. But he fell off, and hes just... sad now. Like I know hes happy but is he really happy deep down? And if Bam back in 2002 knew that this was what he was gonna turn out like, would he be happy with himself at all? Im scared that when I grow up Im gonna hate myself, and Im having a mental breakdown and I just feel so bad all the time. Like, I love Jackass and Viva La Bam and Wildboyz, but then I think and I realize that thats just a little moment in time almost 20 years ago that Im romanticizing and idealizing. Half of those men arent even on good terms anymore, Bams losing his shit, a couple of them just disappeared off the face of the earth, Ryan's dead. Its crazy to think that back then they were all a big happy funny group, and now theyre all just a memory that people like me are clinging to. What if that happens to me one day? Im scared. Im scared to grow up. Im scare Im going to hate myself. And somehow this whole identity crisis has come from me just really liking Jackass??? What the fuck is wrong with me.