Apathy gotta be the worst part of recovery istg

TW discussion of sh and sobriety

I'm actually so tired of this chronic emptiness like it ruins everything. I recently reached my first year clean from sh.

I got my counter and everything. I've never reached a year before, my longest streak before this was 7 months. It doesn't really feel like anything. I almost feel like I would be more satisfied if this streak made me want to sh again bc at least I'd be feeling like SOMETHING idk. I do still sometimes struggle with sh urges but for the most part nothing satisfies me anymore so I just get too tired to do anything abt the urges. I already know I'm just gonna be upset for not going "deep enough" or whatever. I've always had a hard time feeling proud about anything. I think it's a combination of alexithymia, imposter syndrome, and low self esteem probably. I simply never feel proud about anything. I usually feel like "I can do better than that" when I accomplish something. But I don't even feel like I need to do better rn like I could really go with or without my sobriety I do not give a fuck. That's so annoying. Whatever I'm at least glad that I'm not like back in the phase of addiction where I couldn't go 2 hours without sh'ing even at work cuz that shit was also really annoying. That would also be soooooo much more dangerous at my current job I would be at such a high exposure risk. Even with PPE on I'm still messing with people's blood literally all day so spills happen. I got the serum from someone's blood on my pants literally last week, my lab coat really said fuck you and moved off my legs. That is NOT complete protection. Ignoring the overall 0 feelings from this achievement I guess my silver lining is that I AM feeling happy that I am not at an extreme risk for contracting diseases at work. Pushing this feeling to the top of my head bc if I go another day feeling absolutely nothing for the whole day I will lose my mind. /hj