:(

I mean, even if I do whatever I can to try and be better, I dont think I’ll really truly be fixed or be able to think normal thoughts

Instead its things making me hate myself for even thinking about. Yet they’re so extreme that I find comfort in splurging the words from my brain

It only happens when I’m really overwhelmed with negative emotions, to the point where i can’t function properly. 

 The extremity of those words match with the extremity of what I feel, and the saying stuff that I usually never would while I feel like that helps me disconnect those feelings from my usual self

I feel the “bad” me and the “normal” me are 2 different entities, I don’t want those vile things associated with my usual self, the me ppl know me for, and the me that I’ve worked so hard to become. The me that came from trying to erase my old self.

But I know now that getting rid of that me is impossible. She is a product of every bad thing that has happened in my life, and she will continue to latch on, no matter how much I try to scrub it from my identity. 

She’s the part of me that I hate so much, made of everything that goes against my morale and everything I believe in

And when i mess up and that part of me slips out, I’ll never be the same person I was before to others

I understand what I did wrong that day and im willing to change, step up and be better.

Im willing to make sure that part of me never slips out in front of those around me anymore 

But even after owning up and doing it better, I know that they won’t be comfortable talking to me normally again. That’s the worst part. 

They’ll only see me for the part of me I never wanted associated with me, and I have no one but me to blame for it