A “message” for “nobody” in particular (?)

I don’t know how long I’ve wanted to actually speak to you for, for more than just a few seconds and actually speak instead of writing meaningless and shallow words back and forth like some kind of useless ping-pong game

And I know you probably won’t ever see this, or confront me about it, but if you do I don’t care. I don’t even care if you remember much of anything from our countless conversations or experiences, but I will always be here to remember for you and I will gladly retell them more special than they probably were, the memories I shared with you are more important than anything in my whole life currently and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else for fear of never having them. They will always be the only treasure nobody can take from me, and the one that nobody will ever get to hear unless I am sure that they are special enough to hear about you. I don’t mind having the knowledge that you may or may not have read this and thought of me or how dumb it all sounds, because it’s what I want you to hear even if you don’t have to or never will.

I would give anything just to see you again, to speak again, on the phone or through any other means and just to finally say something meaningful after maybe 6 years or only 10 months, but I love you so much and you will never know but that’s okay. I know you have other people who probably are more interesting than I am, and that’s okay. I just wish I could’ve said goodbye properly, because it’s what you deserve. I am so deeply sorry and forever in debt to you for how long you’ve stayed when you shouldn’t have, how you’ve put up with me for so long and just let me ramble to you about my own feelings and personal life, even if you didn’t have to. And I know I can be selfish, I’ve been selfish for so long and I’m so sorry for always taking and taking and never giving much back. I don’t deserve you or your words, but I feel you deserve an apology or at least whatever the hell im trying to do here. This will only continue to be nonsense I’m spewing out to absolutely nobody but everyone at the same time, but I will never stop caring for you and I don’t think I can. You are so full of life and love it makes me cry when I think about how nobody will probably ever notice how special you are, and how sweet you can be when you just open up a bit. Don’t ever think that nobody loves you, because as long as the idea of you plagues my mind you will always have a heart that longs for you and believes in absolutely everything you do and what you are, I wish I could shine as brightly and as beautiful as you do but that would be so selfish of me to put that on you. So I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes, see how amazing you are and how much I adore you, how I’ve been waiting so long for nothing at all because I know you’re busy with much better things ahead and current, how I look at your eyes and I see love and everything anyone could ever think is gorgeous or magnificent, how your face itself is an absolute work of art and a treasure that brings me so much joy and happiness, how I cry for hours on end thinking of only you and nothing else because you’re just so blindingly warm and so amazing. Don’t you ever even doubt yourself for a moment because I never did. I will always be here waiting for you, even if you’ve forgot about me or don’t even like me anymore. I could never hate you for wanting to move on. I have no right to hate you or hold you back. I just want you to be happy and have a life full of love and peace, even if it means I can never see you or talk to you again I will support you from the background and in the depths of my heart you will always have a place where I keep every single version of you and love them all the same and equally. 

You are so much to me and you are so much more than you may think.

Thank you if you’ve gotten this far, I will probably look back at this and cringe but 4 now it’s something beautiful I made just especially 4 you.