big big vent post

my mom is retiring really soon.  which is good!  I'm glad she's leaving her job because I know she doesn't like it anymore.  but I wouldn't have chosen to go to community college for another year if I knew that she would be home the whole time.  last year was great, I got to be at home alone and unmask completely, it was so refreshing.  I want to move away, but I already have my class schedule lined up for the first semester next school year.  

I just want to be left the fuck alone.  I hate locking myself in my room every time my parents are home.  I know they'd like it if I spent more time with them, and I have been trying to spend more time with them (i'll probably try more this summer since I love them lol) but I can't unmask around them.  or anyone.  doing literally anything makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed if I'm around other people.  I don't know how I'm gonna stay sane for a whole semester.  

honestly, maybe I'll sign up to be a shipt shopper?  they've been contacting me saying a position in my area is open.  I can choose my own hours so I could basically just be out of the house all the time if I wanted to be.  the thought of that makes me anxious, though, unfortunately.

I don't have a therapy session this week OR next week but I desperately need one.  this post is gonna help me remember what I wanna say lol