Blogging...? 多分ブログを書き始めるべきだ。

Back in the day I think I used to journal and 'blog' quite a lot. I was going through a lot of shit at home and school. Writing things helped me out. I'd scribble so much random stuff that it would look like a mess but it looked like how I felt on the inside. ボロボロに

I also just have these thoughts or inspiration for a certain thing that I feel like I need to grasp out of air to try and make it 'real' but then fail because I'm not good at anything other than 'thinking' of amazing, artistic, weird, aesthetic, or crazy things.　考えていっぱいあるマジで．．．

This is frustrating when I think of cool cinematic moments for a song I hear in passing, complete with epic fights or dramatic scenery. But what can I do? Only think of seeing it. I can't draw well enough, can't animate, nor do I even have the money to do such things.. I also live in a vacuum devoid of people that would even want to hear me out or help me in serious projects for my ideas.

It's funny because I've been thinking about this recently - I see so many people that do things or say things similar to my own thoughts and words - and people are just.. there. Or I see some people say wild crazy horrible things and people are just there? 

Maybe I'm too autistic to realize what it is... I try to be my authentic self and a few people have told me that is all it takes but then nothing comes of it..

All this is to say that I ended up quitting on writing. I stopped sharing my thoughts, stories, ideas.. because it all felt so.. pointless. It still makes me feel so upset that I have poetry and stories that I think would be interesting for others - but in the chronicles of time it's going to fade and I'll be nothing more than dust under the Sun.　そろそろイメージがめちゃくちゃ

So it's all very nihilistic to that point - but in the time since that I've also tried to free myself from it just thinking it 'shouldn't be done' to well it 'can still be done regardless' if it really doesn't matter. Absurdist take if you will.

I think that maybe picking up blogging again might insularly help me at least cope with existing. I am feeling more uneasiness in my life - I'm not amounting to anything special. I feel like I'm letting down everyone that calls me friend. As disabled I can't keep a job, too poor for assistance... or anything really...

I'm so damn stuck in this hole.

I'm so tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally. 挿入します⋟メンヘラちゃん。

This is such an out of the way website that I doubt too many people will see any of what I write anyways.. So whether it makes sense or is jumbled with my random thoughts... meh, しょうがないな

Though still, a part of me does hope that some of my posts in the far future are unburied from the data piles of the net one day to be seen, loved, mocked, regarded, or re-forgotten...

My pain when thinking about this will always be Sisyphean by my nature of being; but even still, writing will probably always be cure and curse. 面倒くさい呪い．．．

Now that I've done my usual of getting way to serious than originally intended...

XxRAWRxX dx,pEnGuIn,gLoMp,~ or some such things lol