old memories

old friends are ass, i used to be a part of a huge friend group that consisted of alot of people from different countries and different ages. i always struggle with making friends and I've always struggled with socializing with others since i was a kid which just makes these friends even more special since i was at a really low spot in my life back then when i met them on February 14th.

i was really close to all of them, i changed alot as a person and i grew as a person alot as well as i helped people grow too. i grew really close to a few people including 3 people called which I'll just refer to as N, S and H as me and them were best friends and made our own group chat. 

H was the leader of the server and was a person i genuinely viewed as an older brother and as a really close friend, he had alot on his plate and he has been through alot although he still manages to be awesome and cool like usual. 

S was the first person i befriend when i joined the server, he's funny and unhinged and just a fun person to be around in general although he really doesn't like talking about his feelings or just venting in general which has me worrying about him alot to this day. 

N was a cool guy that likes to play alot of games and likes to push himself more and more to be the best version of himself, kinda reminds me of gojo, i viewed him as a younger brother and as a reallyp good friend that i cared about deeply. 

one day N was getting into trouble om the server with a moderator which resulted in drama starting, H timedout N because he argued with the mod N had beef with and N got really mad and sad towards H to the point he left the group chat. i got really worried and sad seeing my best friends break off together and i tried to talk to H about N but he just ignored me. i already had some problems and had already been feeling abit bothered by H always talking S since they're both dating but its genuinely too much sometimes but oh well. since i bottled these feelings up i ended up blowing up at H and telling him and S about the N situation and how I've been feeling because of the both of them since they kept venting to me and just giving me their relationship problems to fix. 

H and S got mad at me and stopped talking to me. afew days passed of no contact and me and H got into an argument which ended in him kicking me from the server. some moderators and random people started messaging me attacking me and i just attacked back and acted really rude which i still do regret to this day. 

i have had officially lost all of my friends and the entire server started hating me except a few people. i started hating on H and S in my private server too since i was so sad and angry it ended like that even though under all the hate i was feeling guilty and bad for everything i said and did. awhile passed and i was spying on the server using my alt account which is when i decided to message N since he was really close to me, i messaged him on my alt just saying a long message saying how im letting go of everyone and how i want to move on which ended in me leaving the server on my alt. 

awhile passed and the guilt started to become too much and i decided to add H back and apologize to him, i then apologized to S and to N and i tried apologizing to other people from the server because i felt bad. 

H readded me to the server again and i was genuinely so happy i could try becoming friends and getting close with everyone again. i added H to my private server but he left like less than 2 minutes later and kicked me from the server. i asked him why and turns out that my past words and actions, the shit i said and talked was a there and i got lost in the guilt and forgot about it instead of deleting it. he said that he hated me and then he blocked me. People started getting mad at one of my best friends that stayed with my from the server which I'll call K. people started attacking K because he said some shit about H and S on the server too. i talked to S and to some random other people trying to explain what happened since i genuinely forgot about all the shit i said and did and i manipulated them into thinking i manipulated K into saying the stuff he said on the server so he doesn't get into trouble. i took all the blame and scared the entire server into thinking i had multiple alts on it which meant i can see everything when in reality i just had a couple of people on the inside telling me what's going on and just one alt account. 

i genuinely scared everyone so much they made a new server and they started hating on me. afew days passed and they made an announcement that the server was going to be deleted and that they'll be moving to a new server. i messaged H on my alt trying to act like a random person but he realized quickly its me. i apologized to him and explained everything that happened keeping out the part that i manipulated everyone thinking into i manipulated K. 

i talked to N and just generally had a mental breakdown just crying and saying everything and explaining everything. 

i then talked to S and told him that im gonna stop everything and that i won't talk to any of them again. 

a while passed and i was crying every few days remembering them and the memories but after that i was starting to forget them. 

suddenly S messaged me asking to be friends again since he forgave me for everything which genuinely made my heart drop and made me feel like throwing up because i never thought I'll talk to any of my old friends again. i accepted him and me and him are still friends to this day. 

a day after me and S became friends again someone from the server messaged me attacking me for something i didn't do which made me feel disgusting and brought back alot of memories i was trying to forget. they really made me a villain in their story which made me feel like crying and throwing up more. 

the reason why im writing this? today i accidentally stumbled across an old conversation with N when he said that me him and S will always stay together as friends. isn't that funny how they're all friends and im the only one left out being called bad words and being treated like the devil. 

this is my first time writing a blog sooo yeah i also don't h ave any friends on here so oh well.