the evolutions of death

Nightmare again last night. Thought I was gonna wake up toothless this time, riddled with radiation, but here I am... 2:1:2:3 still intact. Woke up to news of an old family friend passing. He was known as Buckethead. It's scary to have people my parent's age passing from things like heart attacks and strokes. It's usually just suicide or drunk driving. Now I must face a new threat to my mom. Given her recent spill and a close encounter with the giant spinning eyeball of death, it made it all that much scarier to hear.

But she's alive and well and a daughter still has her mother- but this morning a son lost a father. And my father, a friend gone. 

I hadn't thought of Buckethead in a long time. On my way up to my apartment last night, tipsy with Taco Bell in hand, I saw a tool a custodial worker left behind and on it inscribed "buckethead". It made me smile to think of someone long pushed away in my memory bank and I even mentioned it to my friends. When I heard the news, I told my mom about the coincidence and she said she was reminded of him too last night while watching a stand-up. A similar thing happened when Aunt Beth passed. Strange how the world works like that.

I reached out to my dad to offer my condolences. They were close. Me and my dad aren't so it took some teeth gritting to bring myself to type it out but I felt better after I hit send. I can get over my pain to soothe his. 

Tomorrow I will celebrate a holiday I never cared for. I care for the people who care for it so celebrate I will! Regardless of the passiveness I feel on the 4th -(my family never did much and I'm deathly overwhelmed/afraid of fireworks)- I am excited to have an excuse to get fucked up and act as though I had no choice but to do it. I'm doing it for my country. I hope to eat BBQ and get my face messy and have beads of sweat fall down my back with those I love. Until next time...see ya!

obediently yours,

- c