another vent

Since I can’t talk to my parents about it, I just put it all on here. I guess I like typing it more than saying it in person. Anyway, yesterday night, I could’ve sworn I was panicking. I don’t why I was. I felt as if I would explode. I was shaking, crying, head was spinning and I was so cold. It lasted for a little more than an hour. I just stayed in the kitchen with a hoodie over my head and listening to music to try and calm down. Usually lullabies help or a music box, but the room was way too loud. Like I said, this lasted a little more than an hour. All I could do was pray it away. It’s not the first time it’s happened either. I don’t know what it is, and I tried to talk to mom about it. She blamed it on coffee. It’s always something that I do, isn’t it? I don’t even drink coffee anymore. I just make it for everyone else. I can’t actually talk to them, because they will continue to talk over me because they think they are right all the time. If I bring up something serious, it’s instantly brushed off with something like my phone or lack of social interaction. I can’t talk to anyone because they lock me up in this room. I can’t go outside because I’m locked up in this room. But it’s my fault. 

They saw my scars too. I didn’t know what to really say so I blamed it on my nails. They’re long anyway, and the cuts I have are pretty thin. Not like I haven’t done it before. But when I was having that ‘episode’ in the kitchen, I felt like I needed my box cutter, which has been so gracefully taken away from me because it was cute. I’m not mad that mom took it, but I think I needed it during that moment. I tried looking it up, you know so I can have an idea on how I feel. I don’t like the results they showed me either.