Thoughts and such

02/07/24

I feel like the closer I get to turning eighteen the more I can feel my brain developing. That emotional intelligence is coming in hot; the big twenty-five is gonna hit hard, I can feel it. But that's not for a long time. I also feel like it's becoming more glaring how ignorant some people can be, how they only listen to what they want to hear, to what confirms their biases. It's very frustrating and I try not to act like that but I'm sure I do, I know I do. It's normal to avoid what makes us uncomfortable, and the things we don't agree with, or the things that challenge our views, are very uncomfortable. 

I've noticed myself being more empathetic than I have been in a while. I think that's just because I've been off social media a lot more than I used to, and without the constant discourse and back and forth, I've just been able to actually think. Also, as lame as it sounds, interacting with real people in my day to day is so different than anything online. Makes you realise that most people are very normal, and that things generally aren't that deep. Not to sound reductive or anything, but idk, a lot of the discourse I used to see on, like, TikTok, felt pretty shallow and pointless; arguing for arguing's sake.  

Works been pretty exhausting but it's also rewarding. It's okay, nothing that interesting. Cleaning is a very repetitive job, but I like repetition, so I don't mind at all. It's tiring, it's simple, it's fine. I've trained a couple of new hires and it's always nice seeing them learn. Sometimes it's annoying but  that's just how it is. 

I haven't drawn a lot, or at least not as much as I would like to. I've made more drawings in these past couple weeks than I have in a long time--school had really been draining me without me realising, I think--but I still don't feel happy with it. Maybe that's just the curse of being an artist; there are so many ideas that I just haven't been yet able to actualise, to create, and it can definitely be very frustrating. I'm trying to work on it. I've always used pencil or charcoal, they've been my favourite mediums for a long time now. I've also made digital art, but I think that I really do prefer traditional. Both are fun, though. I'm planning to start painting soon, as well; it's a slightly daunting idea, just because I haven't actually sat down and had much experience when it comes to colour, how colours interact, yada yada, so it will be very easy for me to make mistakes. My first paintings will undoubtedly look mediocre. I'm still looking forward to it.

There's some other things that have been floating about in my head, but they're more personal, so I doubt I will. There's always some paranoia when it comes to posting online, for whatever reason. Even if I'm pretty sure no one sees these, and if they do, I doubt they're interesting enough to be read. 

One thing I will say is that mornings have been difficult for me lately. Lots of very, very unpleasant and gross thoughts, but they don't tend to last too long, which I'm grateful for. Not the best thing to deal at 9 in the morning while I'm cleaning, though.