sweet little nightmares to follow

Why is it so that all my dreams lately have been rather evil? Evil dreams for an evil night's sleep for a sad sad girl who wakes up hyperventilating every night. Again and again those closest to me abandon, steal, cheat, lie, harm, embarrass, and just straight up be rotten to me. Purposefully doing what they know will harm me the most. While some of this (defo) has to do with my belief that everyone is actually angry and annoyed with me constantly, the dreams have never been this bad. 

I've always had outlandish world-building dreams, comparable to Herbert, my whole life- equal parts good and bad- but recently I've only gotten the shitty end of the stick. I always told myself and everyone I made endure my longwinded retellings of the adventures I have at night all alone (see... that was longwinded) that I didn't care if I had a nightmare because it was something at least. Something to think about all day and occupy my brain. While this is still true, I can't remember a previous time they have been as back-to-back as this. 

I don't think I've had a night in the last month where I haven't woken up gasping for air and wiping tears from my face thanking the slamming front door from roommates for pulling me out of the personalized hell I was in for seemingly an eternity. 

I think another factor in this is the role I have always assigned myself in this life. Rather, the role that was put on me and I began to get rather comfortable in the misery of. The sucker-upper, the one who must get over everything, the one who gives those 1000% and receives a fraction back- unnoticed and often not intentionally. It is where I bathe and rest in. boohooo right [YUCK]

And that is fine. I still like my nightmares even if I wake up with less rest than I started with. I'd rather have to get over things than force others to assume that role for me. And Id rather think everyone hates me than have thoughts of my own grandeur in my head.

Tonight I am going to have a drink and smoke and go see a movie at the museum theater and have sweet little nightmares to follow.

Interesting read of the day: The Happy Atheist by PZ Myers....only on page 55 

so far so good

obediently yours,

- c