Loving has hurt me so much

I have always been a girl in love with the idea of ​​love and finding your soulmate, you may have seen in my previous blog that I was heartbroken over a man.

Well here I am again, but this year it belongs to another boy haha... it made me live a dream... fleeting, but beautiful.

I remember very well when he took my hand and kissed it, he told me that I was beautiful and that seeing me "recharged his energy", I must admit that that feeling was mutual... but the problem was that I felt a little afraid, he which increased with the passing of the days. He told me that he had never fallen in love with any other girl before and that he had feelings for me (I was very in love with him), so there we were... trying to see how things would go between us.

After the second month of leaving, I went to see him and told him that it was better not to keep trying, I was afraid that we would never formalize it. I ruined it.

From then on everything was chaos, my family telling me I was wrong, he was sad and so was I, my friends didn't understand anything about what had happened or why I had done that if I loved him so much, AND LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THE NEXT MONTHS!! They were a round trip of attempts, where there was less and less desire on his part to achieve something and where I always ended up running away... until he got tired of my comings and goings.

You don't know how much I hate myself for being so afraid.

If I could go back in time I would never have said anything to him that day, I would have just hugged him and spent an afternoon with him, and then maybe everything would be very different.

Nowadays I forget to eat, I don't sleep for fear of seeing him in my dreams, before I just cried, today I stay awake holding on. Today I hallucinated at my breakfast (at 4 pm) that my glass of milk was empty, I saw it and put a piece of paper in the glass, then I looked at it again and saw that it was full... (f#ck!!)

My health is getting much worse, but at least this situation doesn't hurt me as much anymore.

Well, it's time to let go of him and let go of all hope of being able to love him, it's no use to me to continue loving him.

Love is not my thing, I am too afraid to love and be loved by someone.