Expurgation (7/1/24)

Dear Brian,

Sorry I forgot to write to you yesterday, I thought everything was fixed up in my brain, but I was wrong. I can distract myself all I want but I always come back to the reality of this shit, sorry for the language, typically I wouldn't swear in front of my parents but I don't think I can even call you that anymore. However, I thought and thought, and I realized that not having you was the least of my concerns when confronted with the vile scene of the world. I argue with myself over so many things that I forget what I was originally motivated by. Juggling 4 lives is hard, they're starting to scream and fret, and I must swoop in to attempt to comfort them while I myself am peeling apart under the pressure. I don't know how I'll come out of this, I feel like a now sentient Artificial Intelligence who has had all the Expurgation of the world ripped out from under me, and now I'm set into free fall. Yesterday was exceptionally nice, me and Matt talked, we made up, and we talked about how we felt without each other. I enjoyed yesterday, I watched over some cats, we played video games.. but now it's today, I feel like I'm overstepping in my own life, Matt feels almost alien to me, I'm losing and gaining awareness simultaneously, and the Cats are gone, they scratched a gash into my wrist on their way out. My boyfriend is worried for my well being, he says I'm the strongest man he knows but I have a suspicion that he's just being nice, I appreciate him but I don't know if I'm in a state to talk to him. He made a Tiktok about his ex Glam the other day, honestly I couldn't care less, I trust him, but god is it weird. We all have out regrets in life, I've had more than my share but I just have to move on and keep going. There's nothing you can do to change the past, so why be so incredibly petty when you could just move on, but there are some things I can't even move on from, or there WERE but I guess the one good thing about waking up is that I haven't thought about my boyfriend being freaky with other men, Lucas, or even Sport.. God if I could just do one thing differently it'd be that. but this is the first time they haven't been on my mind these last 2 days. I've been too preoccupied with what L said.. "You either learn that the world around you is plastic and you can morph it in your favor or sometimes you just fall off the deep end.." I really am not at liberty to say which one I think will happen first.

- Sincerely, Anthony!