I FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toes. Lollipops. Fighting Games.

What do all these things have in common?

I SUCK (AT) THEM. Today I had one of those perfect scenarios that makes life that much better. We recently bought this new vacuum cleaner that's super modern in comparison to our old one. Pretty cool and I definitely prefer it over the old crummy one, but I wouldn't go outta my way to say that I enjoy doing chores. I'm not some nerd. That is, until today. Today, I don't know who did it, but somebody spilled a shit ton of rice all over the floor, and because I'm the only person who has a modicum of energy within a 50 mile radius, I was tasked with cleaning it up, despite being nowhere near the mess at the time of it occurring. 

I go downstairs...

I take the vacuum...

I look at the spill...

...the most beautiful bed of spilt rice flashes into the aperture of my eye. 

It's go time.

This is what they make vacuum cleaners for!!! This is the shit they always show off in those shitty ads!!! A perfectly level neatly contained layer of rice, caking the floor. A cake that my vacuum cleaner surely would have enjoyed if it was sentient. 

One. Single. Stroke.

That's all I had to do. One motion of my hand pushes the vacuum cleaner forwards and paves a perfect path of cleanliness in the sea of rice, like Moses parting the Red Sea. 

Another.

I retract my hand and pull it back. The vacuum cleaner plays along in our beautiful tango. Another beautiful path formed, erasing the yellow like a thief breaking into Fort Knox. Back and forth, I was locked in the most fateful dance I have ever shared with an electronic appliance. I felt like Frank Zappa writing Joe's Garage when he tried to fuck that toaster. Nay, the effortlessness in how easily I cleaned up this mess surpasses whatever Frank Zappa feels about robot pussy. Verdict's still out on actual pussy though, if there are any volunteers.

That mess didn't even last 15 seconds against the unstoppable duo of my vacuum cleaner and I. The floor was so clean. It was beautiful. I think this is my true calling. I love keeping my environment clean. I finished cleaning it up, parted ways with my new fourth best friend and immediately started writing this.