we're so back

my friends 18th bday is on friday and honestly its so insane to me that time is passing and we're getting older. it may just be because i'm a bit of a late bloomer in some aspects. i mean, sure, i got my period when i was like 11 but i didn't really feel my brain developing until a year or two ago. it could be that dawg in me but i thought i was fully asexual/aromantic until like 2021/2022. i mean, obviously now ik i was wrong because whenever ovulation week hits me its like i'm a snail being hit by a bullet train. 

ovulation week has been CRAZY. everytime i get like this i have genuine fears that i'm an addict of some sort and i worry that i may never recover. then the following tuesday i'm back to normal LOLOLOL.

anyway back to what i was saying, i can actually feel myself maturing as my sense of self starts to really develop. when i was in primary school, i always saw the year 6's as these big scary adults. now i'm in year 12 and honestly i still feel 14. those around me honestly still look really young to me (with a few exceptions here and there) and i can't truly fathom how we're all nearly adults (or already adults). i'm realising as i'm typing this that that might be the reason i tend to lean towards older people in my love life. maybe i'm overthinking it. 

graduating is honestly so scary to me. i'll miss high school and being able to "work" with all these people everyday that i wouldn't interact with otherwise. i think before graduation (oct), i wanna make an effort to grab some people's numbers so i can actually keep in contact with a few of them after school. not like i'll talk with them everyday -- they've got their lives and i've got mine -- but i'd love to catch up every so often not only to bring myself up to speed in their lives but also 'cause having new faces/personalities are so refreshing. i say this as someone who has a bad habit of hanging out ONLY with my main, but small, social group. 

i LOVE talking with all sorts of people but i worry that i may get stuck interacting with a certain type of person based on looks/vibes alone, if that makes sense. like, i've got a pretty 'edgy' persona and i've not exactly a welcoming aura but thanks to school and shit i'm friends with all sorts of people (partially thanks to the school uniform we're forced to wear). don't get me wrong, i love being able to bond with other alternative people over our shared love of music or other niche interests that i've really only seen other alternative people have. but there's something i love about being able to talk to 'basic' people because i'm complex, you know? i've got interests that might better fit one demographic of people than another. 

i've got no real way to end this. but i think spacehey is a nice place for me to post my thoughts due to its formatting. if i don't forget about this site again, i'd love to come back and visit. i know not many people will see these posts but honestly that kind of my favourite part. i'm just a typing a chunk of text that'll disappear into the depths of this website (and the rest of the internet in extension).