Self-sabotaging and the view of the fkn world

Its such a struggle to be a self-sabotager. You get a friend, you leave them on delivered, on opened and ignore them. because you feel like you do not deserve to chat or talk with them, since you think its better that way. You get a good grade, but you ruin it by not studying for a long period of time on purpose. Or you are having fun in general, but you decide you do not deserve fun. and you are ment to be sad, as if its programmed into you in a standart setting. You wish for help, you want the help, and you need the help, but there is always gonna be a voice inside your head telling you that you do not look, feel or act worse enough and that you need to be worse and worse and worse, to get the help that you need. But eventually by worsening and worsening the only thing that you will achieve is realizing that nothing will help anymore. not even worsening for other people to finally notice your not okay, and get the help that you need. But nobody, nobody in this god forsaken world gives a singular fucl, and everybody is just fake, everything is fake, a long period of time, only in this endless cycle that only continues and continues and never stops.

When somebody asks me what would your biggest wish be: I would not wish for happiness, because that just simply isnt achievable in a world that is programmed to be like this, i would not wish for world hunger to be cured, because that would just after a period of time return. If there is a god in this world, that once sent noah on the ark and save the animals, to get rid of the bad people in this world, why doesn't got notice, that its going just as bad as it was going then. Why doesnt he send another noah on another boat. See that is because god doesn't care. He never actually cared. 

I would wish, for this world to never exist, no. not even this world, not the earth. i would wish that the whol universe didnt exist. because if that wouldve happend to be so. there would be no worries, no financial problems, no loss, no sadness, no grief, there would be NOTHING. That may not sound as a solution to some of you, but when you take a deep breath and really sit down to think about it. It is actually a solution, because if there was nothing, it would be equal as to what im feeling now. Nothing, emptiness, because everything is a whole load of waste of time, talking about time, time isnt a term either, time is nothing, there is no time. now is now, and it has always just been now, you cannot think back and relive something, because we are in the now. Sometimes i wish you could not be in the now, but that isn't possible.

Sometimes you would just wish to not exist, to not feel a thing, as if you are asleep, being dead is not gonna guarantee that, because nobody knows how it is to be dead. nobody knows where you might end up, if you kill yourself, hoping to find inner peace, your not going to find it, because the humanity is not ment to be in peace. the humanity is ment to work and play the game, but when you want to finish the game, it restarts. Thats why the non existence of the world would be a cure for everyone. maybe even the "happy" people.

"Am i dead enough for life, or am i alive enough for death"

Quoted from the song dead enough for life, from icon of coil, take a listen to this song. it really hits you deep when you understand the concept of realization.

Realization IS being dead enough inside and empty enough to live this world, to live this life and to survive. Or if your too alive, too conscious, too real. and understand that death will not solve ANYTHING. thats what you call the npc effect, people in this world who once were conscious players, but the world got to them, and they just gave up the game and surrendered. turning into one thats non playable but controlled by the universe or what some people would call "god". the players who DO decide to realize and understand, that every little thing they do is ment to be so, and its a cycle, you cannot break. try to do everything to break through that giant wall "god" or the universe placed between life, and consciousness. You pierce yourself, you run away, you do all sorts of stuff to try and break the cycle. but you WILL always end up in the same and same and same situation. please think about this.

Now if you want to share your opinion feel free to. i will most likely not care what you have to say. but i will share my opinion with you.