using spacehey is mainly an attempt at brute-forcing my mental health into a better place. i'm also hoping that using it as a proper blog for my thoughts will have a positive impact on my outlook on life. i'm kind of tired of living so listlessly - i think i should make more of an effort to accommodate myself and my unique needs both as someone who's disabled by human standards, and as someone who's been struggling with the state of the world at the moment.
it's important to note that this isn't an attempt to ignore what's going on outside... it's more of a safe place where i can decompress and be reminded of what parts of myself are myself. a self expression sort of thing.
the past few weeks i've been mostly focusing on working on my perception of myself as an individual and as a collective. as someone who's plural it's really hard for all of us to agree on what is/isn't part of our lives and our personalit(ies). but i think i've finally managed to settle into something a little more comfortable and start crafting this 'persona' for ourselves.
it starts with the outwards presentation of ourselves, something that's always come easier in a furry/anthro context. example: the 'truesona' - a sort of physical representation of how we feel most of the time, no matter who's in front, as long as that state of mind isn't altering (lol) our perception of our physical form.
i've been trying to make one of these for years. now i finally have! and i connect with it! that's so awesome, that's such a hard feeling to capture lately. it's been a long time since i've felt so passionate and lively about something... i've been kind of dead on my paws for the last year. depression has been kicking my ass, but i'm starting to feel a little more hopeful. sorry to my friends who have to listen to me gush over and over again about him though.
the happiest i remember being was when i was in my puppy years and exploring the internet for the first time. i felt like i could do anything, and i wasn't worried about what other people thought about me. i really want to get back to the mindset, because i've been driving myself crazy trying to please everyone for almost a decade now. i think it's finally my turn to be happy as well.
so i'm going to actually try to blog on here. and try to do some cool shit with my life, finally! i'm only like... six years late, haha. and i'm done caring if i come off as annoying or self-centered or stupid or childish. i don't care anymore about the kind of person that other people want me to be... i want to make the people i love happy, but i have to be happy first. the rest will come on it's own as long as i keep chasing joy.
and i think the reason that people think i'm insincere or that i'm not genuine is because i struggle to be true to myself sometimes. i send mixed signals and i'm a bad listener. so i'm going to try really hard to be more open-minded and attentive and thoughtful. but i have to start being more open-minded to MYSELF first, because there's a lot of aspects of myself i neglect or hide because of what people might think of me. that sucks!
i've been taking things way too seriously for the past ten years. i'm done. i'm ready to hang out now. sorry i took so long. i'm a little slow, but i'm getting there.
it's not the end of the world as we know it!
i'm still feeling fine!
Mood: chillin'
Listening to: twenty one pilots - clancy (album)
Reading: n/a
Watching: n/a
Playing: cookie clicker
Eating: mini pizza
Drinking: dr.thunder ???
[ im also going to do these. i dont care if anyone thinks it's oversharing or embarrassing. i'm embarrassing. cope. ]
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