Sleep (?)

Sleep is my solace. 

I sleep when I'm stressed, when I'm sad, when I'm angry. And obviously, I sleep when I'm tired. My dreams would distract me from whatever I was desperately trying to escape. But now, I find that I cannot even find peace in my sleep. 

Whatever it is I'm running from finds me in my sleep, whether it's the smallest worry or it's my main opp. 

If my life were a movie the viewers would be turning it off. Everyday has begun to be the same, I wake up, I think about him *ew*, I eat some ice cream, I wallow, I distract myself, the distraction ends, I wallow, I sleep. And right before I fall asleep I am gifted the gloriously obnoxious thought of, yep, you guessed it, him!

Sleep is supposed to be my break, my refuge. But he creeps his stupid self in wherever he can and I wake up with even less happiness I fell asleep with. 

I go through these phases with my depression where it gets really, really bad and I just fall into a really deep hole and no matter what I try I can't climb out. Eventually I just dig the hole so big my whole world falls down there. It's like a whole new level for my life. And then I get used to it, and I'm fine, there's just a little bit less light. 

So I'll smile and still keep going, but the second I'm alone, the second the room falls quiet, I'm back digging further down. 

I was fine for a beautiful three days. I didn't pay him a single thought, and then he crept back in and I couldn't eat, I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't even catch my breath. Nobody talks about how hard it is to breathe. But when I get like this it's like I lose the second nature of it and I have to do it by myself. I can never get enough, the breaths are too small.

 I feel like I'm running on empty, it started a couple months ago. Before the whole thing with the butthead man. It just got worse because of him. I feel like a train chugging on no tracks. I have no idea where I'm going, I don't even know how I'm moving. But I do feel like I'm carrying a ton of freight. 

I'm a train. Wow. 

I just need to focus on staying moving. I just need to make it to 40. Everything should be figured out by then. Right? We can hope. 

I'm scared I'll have no impact on the world. I want everybody to know my name. I want to change people. I want to be properly universally loved. I just can't believe that I have so many ambitions for my life and I'm still sitting here on a Saturday night writing this instead of doing something.

I've always been so terrified of wasting my life. That was one of the first things he and I had talked about. How come he wasted part of my life? He knew what it meant to me. He knew what HE meant to me. He should have just left me alone.

Maybe my ambitions will be achieved and I'll have a star on the walk of fame someday. Maybe I'll be something someday. Maybe I'll get over this someday. Someday soon. Hopefully. But I've never gotten over anything in my entire life. 

I still remember the girl I met on my first day of second grade. I had started at a new school. She loved squirrels, she played with me at recess, and I accidentally said I loved her when I said goodbye after she walked me to the gate after school. 

I still remember the boy in third grade that killed a lizard because he'd known how much I loved them, so he called me over to where he was, and he stomped on a baby gecko. 

I still remember the boy I liked in elementary school, one of my best friends, who moved away and never said goodbye. 

I still remember my friend group in 1st grade, before I moved to a new state. I remember all their names, I know what they look like. 

I remember the boy who stole my blue crayon in kindergarten who lied to the teacher and told her it was his in the first place. It wasn't. 

I'm afraid I'll never forget the butthead man. Or, a better way to phrase that, is that I'm afraid I'll always remember him.

A good friend once told me, "the time will pass anyway." 

So, thank you. Because as aggravating as it is to think that I have to stay like this, the time will still pass. Eventually this feeling will pass. Just like the time.