Mindless Ramble

I have no regrets. I know my heart was pure. I wish it had ended differently, but I do not regret anything. Not anything I said, not anything I did. If I had to pick one thing that I regret it would be thinking for one second that he cared. He never did, I've come to terms with that. And I am okay with that. But at night it gets worse, and when I have a distraction it gets worse when the distraction is gone, and when I'm thinking of anything but him, it gets worse when I DO think about him. So I try not to think about him, but then it hurts to think that he's gone.

It will stop one day, it will not stay forever. This feeling will pass. I have to let go, but I need to make it clear that it's not because I don't care. It's because he doesn't care. 

It wasn't bad timing, or bad terms, or bad circumstances. When you get rid of all the excuses he made, I'm just left with that he did not care. Those excuses were not made to make me feel better, they were to make him look better. Because once again, he did not care about me. 

I was so hot and cold with him. One day he spent hours on end talking to me, the next he would say nothing. I brushed it off as he was busy. But in the end, he simply did not care. He didn't try to make me understand how he felt because he didn't feel anything. He said plainly that he liked me, but if he liked me he wouldn't have picked her over me. If he liked me he wouldn't have done what he'd done. You know what I mean? I could sound ridiculous right now. But, getting it out is better than keeping it in. 

My mom was there for me one night when things were really bad, I hadn't cried in front of her since I was little. And there we sat on my bed, her brushing her fingers through my hair and patting my back for hours. Telling me it was going to get better. Telling me he didn't deserve my heart. Telling me there's better out there.

I'm so scared if there isn't.

He should have left me alone if I was not what he wanted. 

He told me about how he liked to help people, how he liked to be depended on. How he liked to keep people safe. How all he wanted was to protect his family and make sure they're loved. How he would never go out of his way to hurt somebody. How he'd never want to let anybody down.

He let me down.

But it's just because he didn't care. 

I'll live.