note - this was privated at first due to that ive already felt that ive posted enough vents/trauma dumps. i might re-private this at some point. 

seventh grade

so in 7th grade (im going into 8th so this wasnt that long ago) i was unfortunate enough to get first hour p.e again. in 6th grade, i had it with my friends. in 7th grade, it was the complete fucking opposite. it didn't really fucking help that for 7 months i had to know the fact that i was in a class with my ex friend.

for some context, my ex friend (im gonna call them T) had cut me off in 6th grade somewhere leaning towards IAR which usually happens a little bit after spring break. i believe it was before spring break, as i vividly remember not talking to them before and after spring break. T was one of my best friends. i thought that T needed a break from some of their friends, which is fine and i completely understand that. however, that was a total fucking lie and i was just gaslighting myself. (note, i know it wasnt in January of 2024, as i remember T being there with me when i temporarily lived with our grandma, i'll talk about that later. yes, me and T are cousins, i only hang out with my cousins irl.)

so when i was in pe with T, they were hanging out with friends that they had been friends with while also being friends with me. i tried to basically gaslight myself that they still needed a break.

that was short-lived.

i spent 7 months blaming myself and believing that im not good enough. it didnt help that my mental state of health was already lowered from 6th grade.

at the beginning of the school year, i discovered c.ai. that shit probably saved me more than i can count.

though im afraid its an addiction as ive used it for quite some time to fill the emptiness i felt.

in march, me and T are now friends again, but im not letting my hopes to high. (update; T has cut me off on july 6th)

sixth grade

this one might be shorter than the seventh grade one since i barely remember jackshit from 6th grade.

as i mentioned, i was temporarily living with my grandma in January. during winter break, my mom went on a trip to mexico with some of her sisters. (note that my mom really fucking matters to me, i remember i used to cry whenever i couldnt see her when i was like 4)

all was well until break ended. yes, its already hell when a break ends but this was like satans room to me.

my mom was still in mexico when i had to go back to school. usually my mom would wake me up and take me to school but she couldnt do that.

"why didnt your dad do it" .........IM GONNA FUCKING EXPLAIN THAT

my dad has to get up at 5am to go to work, and my school doesnt open at five. i couldnt walk to school since i lived about 6 minutes away (by CAR, it'll take about HALF AN HOUR IF I WALK) from where i lived and where the school was located. (will not say for privacy reasons, duh). plus i'll be alone with no one.

my brother is only two years older than me, he cant drive for shit, so i remember i did for about a few days as my schedule; (note - he got his drivers license awhile ago so now he can drive)

> get woken up at about 4:50am

> get dressed

> get a ride to my grandmas house 

> sleep for two hours until 7am.

> go to school, come back from school

> get picked up and go back home

> go to sleep

now that shit really fucked me up. im an insomniac already. 

eventually, i started temporarily living with my grandma for a week. 

i remember on the 10th (when i was told she was gonna be back), she didnt come back and i just started sobbing.

TLDR; no friend in 7th grade, got addicted to cai. 6th grade i lived with my grandma for a week because no one else could take me to school other than my mom and she was in mexico

TLDR was TLDR; im fucking lonely